Like anyone else who spent the summer in Ames, I recently felt the cool breeze of the Republican straw poll blow through town.

Even the promise of free beef at every candidate’s tent wasn’t enough to draw me down to the festivities, but I did watch the three leading candidate’s speeches on C-Span.

Each candidate was allotted only six minutes to make his or her point, but it took mere seconds to ascertain that Elizabeth Dole, Steve Forbes and George W. Bush all are completely out of touch with the American people and reality in general.

Dole, who always manages to look like your nasty aunt who insists on kissing you on the lips, finished third at the straw poll. One of her major platforms is that “We must stop this pipeline of illegal drugs flowing into our country.”

Dole made no mention of the fact that the “War on Drugs” has already cost this country billions of dollars and has done little to stop the flow of drugs.

Dole, like Forbes and Bush, also is an advocate of more spending to bulk up our military. That is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard.

For the love of God, what justification is there for increased military spending at this point in our history? Who is such a threat to our national security?

Have I missed some large scale global armament? I’m sure Denmark is a formidable military force, but I suspect our money could be better spent.

Speaking of spending money, Dole is sure that you’ve been spending too much of yours on taxes. In her own words, it is “ridiculous that the government takes so much of your money in taxes.”

So, if Dole wants to increase funding for defense and drug enforcement but lower taxes at the same time, where the hell is the money going to come from?

I’ll tell you where — it will come from social service programs and the National Endowment for the Arts. But I suppose it’s worth sending unmarried mothers out into the streets in the interests of keeping a few kids from smoking weed. After all, that stuff destroys families.

Of course, in terms of ludicrous tax reforms, you must stand in awe of Steve Forbes.

Forbes, who finished second in the straw poll, has proposed a simple flat tax to replace the current tax system. Forbes believes the American people shouldn’t have to undergo the tremendous hassle of filling out their tax forms once a year.

At the straw poll he actually said that the biggest barrier to the pursuit of happiness in this country is the IRS.

If the biggest hassle in your life is filling out your tax forms, you are probably a wealthy, self-absorbed bastard like Steve Forbes. I mean, for God’s sake, it takes what, one afternoon a year to do your taxes? Maybe a day? Is that really such a hassle?

And people, if you hear nothing else I say, hear this. The rich do not have your best interests in mind. A flat tax may be simple, but it will surely allow people like Forbes to prevent the government from collecting on their capital gains, which is where most of their money comes from.

But all of Forbes P.R. focuses on how he is a taxpayer just like the rest of us. During his speech, Forbes said, “We must stop the power elite in Washington.”

I got news for you, Stevie, you may not be from Washington, but you are one of the power elite. Not all of us carry enough money to fund a campaign in our wallet.

Still, I was probably least impressed by the winner of the straw poll, Texas Gov. George “dubya” Bush.

Rather than try to comment on Bush’s vision for our future, I think a series of his own erroneous statements would be of more interest.

“The state of our character is the fate of our country.”

“We must renew the promise of America.”

“My wife realizes her most important role is as a mother.”

“I believe in freedom, family and faith.”

What the hell does any of that mean? I will renew the promise of America may sound nice, but what is the promise of America? There isn’t one. It’s nice to think that we’re all striving for the same thing, but it simply isn’t true.

There is no one American dream. We are all individuals, with our own unique dreams, goals, and yes, even values.

When these pompous Republican candidates promise to improve “the state of our character,” they ignore the fact that we all have our own sense of morality and to try to define that for us is to limit our freedom.

Do any of the candidates know this? Of course not. While they may be in touch with the needs of their $100,000-plus corporate donors, they are horribly out of touch with the needs of the masses.

Pat Buchanan made his entrance to Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA,” presumably to show what a regular Joe he was. But has Buchanan ever listened to the lyrics to the song?

“Born down in a dead man’s town, the first kick I took was when I hit the ground.” Doesn’t exactly sound like someone who’s realizing their “American Dream” to me.

If the Republican candidates are unable even to listen to the lyrics to a song, how are they going to listen to the needs of a nation?

---

Ben Godar is a senior in sociology from Ames.