Much research has been done into the nature of male gender identity. At one time, men defined themselves primarily as warriors. Now that armed conflicts are fewer and farther between, men identify themselves in terms of sports.

A quick look around the media will demonstrate that today’s male icons are not Hercules or Napoleon, but Michael Jordan and Ken Griffey, Jr.

Most men spend their youth attempting to achieve success, or even just acceptance, through sports. Unfortunately, most of us never really made it too far.

For all the years I spent at baseball and basketball camps, tae-kwon-do lessons, etc., all I have to show for it are some repressed memories and an assload of participation awards.

I’m not complaining, though, I’m actually one of the lucky ones. At least I realized early on that sports weren’t exactly my cup of tea. Some guys still haven’t figured it out.

You know the guys I’m talking about. They’re the jagoffs at the Rec center who still do calisthenics and lay-up drills before a pick up game.

Sorry Trent, but there comes a time when you have to hang up the “No Fear” shirt and realize you’re just another tool.

So while I don’t base my self-concept solely on how many points I scored last night against the group of Korean foreign exchange students in jeans, I must admit I feel an adrenaline surge any time competition is in the air.

The problem is, as you get older, you find yourself less and less able to be competitive. I’m not ashamed to say that, physically, it’s pretty much been downhill since my eighteenth birthday.

But instead of bowing out of competitive sport all together, I’ve found another option: fat guy sports.

You know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the kind of sports where the extra pounds you’ve put on since high school are no hindrance whatsoever.

I can and do continue to play basketball, but, every time I do, I’m reminded of my declining skills. On the other hand, at the bowling alley I can still be a world-class athlete.

So this summer, my friends and I joined a bowling league. We’re a little green, but, as our bellies grow, so will our scores. When you think about it, the entire approach to bowling is only about three steps, so you can be pretty damn out-of-shape before that becomes a problem.

In addition, you gotta respect any sport in which you’re actually encouraged to drink while playing. It really only takes one hand to bowl, leaving the other free to hold a pint of Pabst.

Wouldn’t it be great to be a bowling commentator? If you watch ESPN long enough, you’ll realize that not only does every sport known to man get some airtime, but they also have an entire team of colorful commentators.

“Well, Jim, Peterson’s facing a difficult split here. Looks like he’s finishing off his third pint of Schlitz, rubbing his lucky AC/DC button, and yes, he’s ready to roll.”

I haven’t stopped with bowling, either. This summer I’ve made it my goal to master all of the fat-guy sports.

When I go to the bar, I try to spend some time playing darts. Talk about a great game; what other sport do you know of that is only ever played in a bar?

Okay, there is another very bar-specific sport: billiards. It’s the longtime “king of the hill” when it comes to fat-guy sports, so I’m working on that one, too.

Some fat-guy sports are meant to delude the participants into believing they aren’t playing a fat-guy sport. Slow-pitch softball is such a sport.

On the surface, it has all the components of baseball, a sport played by spry young men across the nation. But underneath the surface it is apparent that the creators of slow-pitch softball have removed any need for speed, agility or good reflexes.

So this summer I joined a slow-pitch softball league, and to my joy I have yet to be greatly hindered by my poor skills.

These sports allow men to fulfill two major goals: to excel in athletics and to eat like a pig. Is there any wonder that all of them are so popular with men over 22?

You can partake in a fat-guy sport on any level you feel is appropriate. Some fellas are still as full of piss and vinegar as ever. While there’s no reason you can’t be ultra-competitive, in general, you’re going to look like an idiot.

When you get pissed at a teammate during a softball game, you soon realize that you’re not at game six of the World Series, but rather at the local park with your kids eating snow-cones in the stands.

So really the best thing to do is just relax and enjoy the entire spectrum of fat-guy sports. It would be nice if we lived in a world where young boys didn’t feel pressured to be athletes, but unfortunately we do.

Luckily for those of us who grew up with those expectations, fat-guy sports exist so we can still continue to excel as athletes long after our bodies are out-of-shape.

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Ben Godar is a senior in sociology from Ames. He is arts & entertainment editor of the Daily. His bowling average is around 140.