Sometimes I feel like a Republican. I can’t help it. There’s something in my genes that pre-disposes me towards upper-class tax cuts and slashing social programs.

When I heard the news that John F. Kennedy Jr. died, I grunted thoughtfully and changed the channel to a documentary on African dirt.

I never liked the Kennedys. Their fortune was made by bootlegging and they bought their way into politics.

JFK’s finest hour was not when he left the Cubans to die during the Bay of Pigs invasion, or when he sent “advisors” into Vietnam. JFK’s finest hour was when he was shot. Being assassinated was the best thing that could have happened to a man who almost started a nuclear holocaust.

If he hadn’t been shot, most historians would have relegated him to obscurity.

But the Kennedys are the media’s golden family, and every move they make is forced down the throats of America’s viewing public.

There are other families with more money, better-looking relatives and greater skills behind the wheel or on the slopes.

Yet every channel focused on the “Kennedy-Bessette tragedy” and rehashed every detail. Local news teams went down to the grocery store and interviewed people on their reaction. This is overblown for a plane accident involving three people.

It may be unfortunate, but it is not a tragedy to the American public. A bus full of dead nuns is a tragedy. If you have read “George” magazine, this is a blessing.

So I am a cold-hearted Republican. Cry me a river, liberal.

If you want to talk about newsworthy issues, let’s discuss censored books. As a college student with an open mind, I thought I would never be an advocate of banning books, but I changed my mind after reading “Catcher in the Rye.”

This book is on censorship lists all across the country for its graphic portrayal of a sexual encounter and abundant use of profanity. But it is considered one of the great works of American literature, so I read it.

It sucked so bad I had to force myself to finish reading it.

In the book, Salinger describes the mental descent of a young man who is getting kicked out of prep school. It is a story many freshman could tell you, and not very captivating when sober. I recommend alcohol. Lots of it.

The main character had a few screws loose that made me dislike him. He got upset every time he was carded at a bar and even begged his date to elope with him. Nothing is more pathetic than a guy without a fake I.D. When you realize he was committed at the end you actually want to cheer.

As for the swearing? Salinger uses “goddam” so often it becomes annoying and unrealistic. Not even my dad swears that much. My dad uses much more colorful metaphors, too.

And the sex? It is vaguely referred to as “giving her the time” and is nothing to get worked up about. In fact, when Holden (our loser) hires a hooker, all he wants to do is talk. He even gets annoyed when she sits on his lap. That’s it, folks.

So the book proved to be a waste of time and not much in the way of literary merit. After I read it, I wanted to buy a bird so I could use the pages on the bottom of the cage. I’ve read auto repair manuals with more feeling and emotion.

If you want to read a good book I recommend “Rats Saw God” by Rob Thomas.

It is a similar story, but more up to date and with less annoying characters. You should read it even if just to tell me I am full of crap.

Since most students read nothing aside from textbooks, maybe I should focus on more relevant things, like how our student athletes always end up in the police blotter.

Martin Jischke said he was dedicated to ISU becoming “the best,” and I am pleased to report we are definitely leading the pack in student athlete violence.

Even if Nebraska and Florida can pound us on the field, we can point to our arrest record with pride.

We may not get many convictions because the university and the alumni always pull some strings or lose enough evidence, but at least we get arrested.

What bothers me is that our teams still suck. Let it be known that I will not tolerate mediocrity from anyone, and that special privileges must be earned.

As university president I would put my foot down and demand a winning record before any athlete could rape or assault a fellow student with impunity.

My critics may consider me overly harsh but I cannot deny the Republican within me. We’re used to locking people in jail and throwing away the key.

I may call a spade a spade, but unsubstantiated rumors repeated by people with no firsthand knowledge hold no standing with me. That is why I shall reserve judgement on our athletes.

But if they were convicted I would have to do the Republican thing and have them burned at the stake. With a pile of banned books feeding the flames.

---

Aaron Woell is a senior in political science from Bolingbrook, Ill. He secretly wishes he was a moderate.