The first time I realized that the United States was a lost cause, I was working as an operator for the Psychic Hotline in Omaha.

Every night, my soma-driven Epsilon co-workers and I would take hundreds of calls from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. The money was good, and we got to read while working.

But for every sad sucker who called genuinely interested in talking to a “real, live psychic” there were 20 deluded freaks who thought that screaming “you suck!” at a complete stranger made them George Carlin.

We also had our fair share of desperate loners who would threaten to call the attorney general about our “little operation” hoping to put the fear of God into us and make themselves feel powerful. The fact that our operation was squeaky clean and for entertainment purposes only rarely deterred them.

Most of the suckers who called only heard what they wanted. You could tell them ten times they only got five minutes free and they would still stay on the phone for 45 minutes. Then they would call back and ask if they were going to be charged.

Our call volume was high, the only break we could hope for would be the occasional prank. I can honestly say that most American’s idea of “pulling a prank” is shouting obscenities or pretending to be Beavis and Butthead.

Occasionally a call would come in from Canada. I never got a bad prank call from a Canadian. Those people are wicked funny. A good sense of humor is a hallmark of intelligence. Oftentimes, the pranks were masterful in their artistry. One young Canuck had a standup routine he was apparently ad-libbing. I have never laughed so hard in my life.

I knew my job was a joke, and I didn’t mind if the callers knew it. But the vast majority of my American callers just made me ashamed of my country.

Then I came back to school and started working at the Daily. My brave new co-workers rock and roll all night and party every day. But some of the feedback we get makes me want to pile my worldly goods in the mini-van and head for the Great White North at 90 per.

So with that in mind, I made a few calls.

I called Mike Ward at the Canadian Consulate in Chicago who was, not to buy into any hurtful stereotypes, most helpful and friendly. His primary area of expertise was politics and trade so he couldn’t give me the goods on citizenship. He passed me to Tony Brown who has been working in Canadian immigration for 25, fun-soaked years.

All I wanted to know was how do you become a Canadian. The good news is it’s not as hard as you might think.

Canada is not desperate for newbies, but they do make allowances for living and working there. To get permission to work in Canada, all you need is a job.

Since Canada is right next door, take a vacation, check the papers, go to an interview, get hired and apply for a work permit. It’s just that simple.

Actually becoming a Canadian is much easier than becoming an American. They don’t make you take all the messy citizenship classes, and they aren’t so obsessed with their own greatness that they think they should stop trying to improve.

We are so sure we are the greatest country in the world, we stopped trying decades ago.

Americans only hear what they want. You could do a column about making abortion pills readily available but the response you get is from every other single mother in the country who thinks you called her a slut.

Believing in abortion as an option doesn’t necessarily mean you hate single mothers.

Most Americans are rooting in the mud and crap of their own ignorance and nationalism. Their fierce loyalty is backed up by an even greater denial.

They refuse to listen to criticism. They spout clich‚s like “love it or leave it.” As if making suggestions for the improvement of one’s own home were a sign of hatred.

If I really hated America, I would stop voting and let it go down the tubes like the average, apathetic tubesteak that calls himself a “proud American.”

Americans will fight like hell to pass amendments banning flag desecration but won’t take five minutes to bring Old Glory in out of the rain. How many tattered American flags are flying over fast food franchises and gas stations at this very moment?

Take the time to look around. You will see the hypocrisy in every beat-up old flag that should have been properly disposed of and replaced months, even years ago.

I will keep you posted on my nationality reassignment. I’m sure any response I get will only make my heart swell with pride to have been born here in the first place.

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Greg Jerrett is a graduate student in English from Council Bluffs. He is opinion editor of the Daily and a member of the “Proud Canadians Web Ring.”