Nothing beats an internship. They allow you to see the country — or even the world, they help to create contacts, they provide a taste of a possible future career and some of them even pay really well.

Colleges champion them, employers encourage them and some jobs even require them.

I was thrilled at the opportunity to intern with a real-live movie producer for the summer, even though it meant driving 2,000 miles and living three months in pricey Los Angeles. What I really didn’t count on when I took off for Hollywood was that my three-month internship would last approximately one week.

You see, there’s a lot of information that your advisers don’t give you when they send you off into the internship world.

The truth is, in the world of cinema, interns are learning how to make movies in much the same way that Harriet Tubman was learning how to be an agricultural executive.

The following is a list of six of my initial tasks as the unpaid film intern in Santa Monica. It’s important to remember that these are not jokes, as they sure as hell weren’t funny to me when they were assigned.

#1 – Find a liver

After a week of cross-country driving, automobile mishaps and expensive repairs, I finally rolled into L.A. I thought it might be a good idea to stop in and meet the producer, but I was too exhausted to stay very long.

Well, she was happy to see me and promptly put me to work for ten straight hours. My first assignment that day was to find a liver for her dying friend, Otto.

She had heard a tip from another friend who knew somebody who used to be a doctor.

Apparently, some state legislature had passed a bill making it legal to sell organs to the highest bidder.

I knew it was ridiculous, but I’d find out soon enough that she and “reason” didn’t usually get along all that well.

#2 – Babysit her orchids

When day one was finally drawing to a close, she told me about one more little task that she needed me to do before going home.

I was to drive 20 minutes in the wrong direction to deliver her orchids to the office of a friend.

Of course, she realized that, it being 9 p.m., there was no way he was still going to be there. So, “just in case,” she gave me the instructions for caring for them overnight.

#3 – Return a borrowed sander

It was after a full eight hours of work that the real fun started the next day. She had a few errands for me to run “on the way home.”

The first task was to return a sander and a couple of books she had borrowed to a friend 45 minutes out of my way in the Beverly Glenn Canyon.

#4 – Buy a Lakers T-shirt

She was traveling to the Middle East soon and it would seem inconsiderate if she didn’t bring gifts. “Considerate,” you see, was her middle name.

First, she needed a nice Lakers shirt for a teenage boy. I told her I should be able to get one near where I lived, but she recommended Malibu — half an hour out of my way. She’d pay me back later.

#5 – Return a substandard plant

Wouldn’t you know her luck? She bought a nice plant at the Home Depot and it turned out to be defective. She bought it on Tuesday and when she went to get it out of her car Thursday night, it was dead.

She needed me to return it for a refund and “make up a story about it, since they’re not usually very reasonable there.” Apparently leaving a plant out in the back seat of a car for two days in 90-degree heat is frowned upon.

#6 – Deal with security

She wanted me to come in early one day to get a jump on the work we needed to do.

She told me to be there by 8 a.m. and gave me a key in case she wasn’t around right away.

I showed up as she requested, let myself in and promptly set off the building alarm. The police arrived 20 minutes later to see what was going on and my producer showed up two hours after that (nearing 10:30).

She was outraged when she heard about the alarm and swore she had told me to wait outside for her when I got there.

Apparently the key had just been something for me to play with for 2 1/2 hours while I waited for her to arrive. Anyway, my first duty of the day was to try and talk the security company out of the $100 fine that comes with a false alarm.

I failed in that attempt and she warned me that if it happened again, I’d be paying the fine.

It was about this time that I decided to end my relationship with the producer and her company.

#7 – Drive her 45 minutes to the L.A. International Airport for an overseas flight

She was supposed to be checked in by 3 p.m., her seat would no longer be guaranteed after 3:30 and the plane was to take off at 5 p.m.. Well, she was just about ready to go at 4 o’clock.

She had just gone to her apartment and would be waiting for me at the curb at 4:15. While she was gone, I took stock of my week’s activities and realized that none of this was ever going to further my career as a filmmaker.

As far as I know, she’s still waiting at the curb.

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Ron DeMarse is a senior in liberal studies from Muscatine. But he WISHES he were in leisure studies.