Kidnappings happen every day in America. We’ve all heard about the Lindbergh Baby and Johnny Gosch, but kidnappings happen right here in Ames. Even to Gnomes.

What I’m about to tell you is a true story, so please don’t laugh. Just because a Gnome is involved doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I live in an apartment with three roommates: Josh, Sean and David the Gnome. Granted, David spends most of his time out on the porch with the same expression frozen on his face. But this doesn’t make him any less a member of the family.

Last Sunday, Easter Sunday, one of my roommates went out onto the porch to find that David was gone. Soon after, he noticed a large manila envelope in our mailbox.

Inside the envelope was a letter. In cut-out magazine letters it told us that if we ever wanted to see David alive again, we were to await further instruction and tell no one of what had transpired.

We were horrified. What should have been a day of celebration and “Peeps” quickly turned into a day of sorrow. What kind of heartless human being would kidnap a helpless Gnome on Easter Sunday?

And the cut-out magazine letters were another disturbing touch. After intense forensic investigation we determined that all of the letters had come from Hustler, Barely Legal and The Ames Daily Tribune. Sick.

So Sean, Josh and I were left to try to decide what to do. We had been given explicit instructions not to tell the authorities about David. But what were we supposed to do, just sit and wait?

I called the police department, and they told me that they could have an officer investigate the crime. I was leery. I don’t think the Ames PD has a lot of experience with Gnome kidnappings. Besides, I didn’t want to tip off the kidnappers by putting the fuzz on their trail just yet.

We have some suspects of our own. The kidnappers knew David’s name, so we know they were people close to the Gnome. This is all the more disturbing.

But it is far from abnormal. Statistics show that 83 percent of all Gnome kidnappings are perpetrated by a friend or acquaintance.

Why? Why David? Why our Gnome? David spends his days sitting peacefully on the porch, not bothering a fly.

And sure, those of us close to him have seen his violent side. But he’s a kitten at heart.

Someone suggested to us that this might in fact be a copycat crime. Some of you may recall a commercial — I believe a Kodak commercial — where some young hooligans kidnapped a lawn Gnome and took it all around the country taking photos of it. Perhaps these people are doing the same thing.

We have no evidence to back this up, but all the pieces seem to fit. I am appalled to think that David may have been exposed to this type of Gnomesploitation.

If this is the case, I can’t even imagine the forms of Gnome perversion David may have been subjected to by now.

The saddest part of this story is this is not an isolated incident. There is a sick social climate in America today that encourages reducing Gnomes to nothing more than inanimate lawn ornaments.

Images in the media, like in the Kodak commercial, further strengthen Gnome stereotypes. Gnomes are people too, and they deserve to be respected as such.

Regardless of who kidnapped David or why they did it, one thing is certain: We will be silent no longer.

I write this in open defiance of the social monsters who invaded our home and took our friend. I implore anyone with evidence about David to please come forward.

David is about 1’3″ tall, and he weighs approximately four pounds. He is a Caucasian male with a long, white beard, and he was last seen wearing a big red cap.

I encourage everyone reading this to take a stand against the exploitation of Gnomes. Write your congressman, and insist that he or she make a public statement in support of Gnome rights.

And David, if you’re reading this: We miss you, buddy.

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Ben Godar is a junior in sociology from Ames. He does not advocate taking the law into your own hands. Even when gnomes are involved.