The students have spoken and the university has finally listened! I say this because I hold in my hands a bad photocopy of a poorly-written memo from the office of a university official (whose name is obscured by someone’s thumb) that states in no uncertain terms that “the crow problem is not the most serious threat facing ISU.”

While the note goes on to say something about student riots, widespread meth addiction and delivery of Jimmy John’s subs to the back door of the Knoll, the closing sentence revealed that “the true obstacle to ISU becoming the top land grant college in the nation is the squirrel and rabbit population.”

I could hardly believe it. All this time we complained about the crows that flew about and bombarded us from overhead, when the real menace was at our very feet.

In all honesty, I don’t know how the squirrels and rabbits could possibly be a problem.

But the memo didn’t go into that, instead making an obscure reference to the National Rifle Association.

Now, as a card-carrying member of the NRA I am all about shooting defenseless little creatures.

Nothing else makes you feel like a man like lining up a cute little fuzzy bunny in your sights and blowing it in two.

Of course, that depends on what ammunition you’re using, but that’s beside the point.

The point, and I do have one, is that I don’t see how an organization devoted to protecting the rights of every law-abiding firearm owner could be involved in such a heinous endeavor as to systematically eliminate cute little furry animals from our campus to help us become the No. 1 land grant college.

So I called the NRA and explained my problem.

They were initially reluctant to talk to me, but once I explained that I was a card-carrying member and a staunch conservative they leapt at the chance to tell their side of the story.

Their spokesperson assured me that they would never engage in any university-sanctioned killing of small animals, that it was against the law, and that my constitutional right to own a nuclear device was not in jeopardy.

But they could tell I was less than convinced, so they put Charlton Heston on the line to soothe my fears.

Now you may find it ironic that the man who played Moses in the Ten Commandments is now the president of the NRA, but I tend to view it as: once again he spreads the gospel of the Lord by instructing us to go forth and buy firearms.

Mr. Heston told me that at one time ISU had contacted the organization about finding a solution to the varmint problem but that every proposal they offered was ultimately deemed “unworkable.”

Out of curiosity I asked him what types of solutions had been proposed, and he quite frankly told me that they all involved small furry animals and big shiny guns.

He went on to explain that the ISU grounds services had experimented in the past with traps and poisoned food pellets but those attempts had been altogether unsuccessful in curbing the animal infestation.

The problem, he said, was that the crows ate the food and the cute little fuzzy bunnies and ground squirrels were so intelligent that they avoided the traps.

He added that the only things that had ever been caught in the traps were one drunken frat guy and a squirrel who escaped without his tail.

In an instant, I knew that the dead crows I saw on campus from time to time were proof that the grounds services people were still experimenting with poisoned food pellets.

Even Stumpy the tailless squirrel was a victim of ISU’s perverse plan for land grant college domination.

This revelation shook my faith in this college, and I numbly thanked Moses for his time and hung up the phone.

You know, at one time I was a dumb freshman who swallowed all the crap put out by the university. But somehow I matured, or at least became so cynical I no longer cared. This was something different, though.

Here, in our quest to become the No. 1 land grant college in the nation, we almost sacrificed cute squirrels and fuzzy bunnies.

And for what? An obtuse statement made by our president that is just a snow-job for increasing tuition?

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Aaron Woell is a graduate student in dictatorship studies. He loves the Randy Alexander cartoons!