This week I began the tedious process of packing up my college belongings to begin what many people ignorantly refer to as my “real life.” During one of my umpteen breaks, I found myself flipping though the four channels that the rabbit ears atop my renaissance-era television allow me, fuzzily, to enjoy.

Curiously enough, I stopped my channel surfing on the Iowa Public Television station where I usually go only in the evenings for a good dose of ancient English humor. My limp body sank into the familiar recliner as I considered only one thought: When did Mr. Rogers get so old?

While I still thoroughly enjoyed the trip through the land of Make Believe (some things will never lose their loveable innocence), I couldn’t help but marvel at the time gone by since my Sesame Street days. The world had changed and taken me with it.

Symbolically enough, that Baz Luhrman song, or script, about advice with sunscreen came on the radio shortly after I returned to another five minutes of solid organizing. This inspired me to share with all of you some of my own meandering experiences.

In a solid effort to keep your attention I will limit this discussion to my four years here at Iowa State University (O.K., five — but statistics show I am slowly joining the majority).

I will dispense this advice now. You will never look as good as you did your freshman year. While as a freshman, you may think college is your opportunity to get in shape and look great as you mature, you will spend the rest of your college experience wishing you were half as thin and cute as you were in that dorm floor picture.

Panchero’s: great! Panchero’s sober: bad.

Park in the Memorial Union parking ramp. Trust me, you are not the sole person on this campus trying to fool the DPS parking patrol.

You are not the first who attempted to stick an old ticket on the windshield and you won’t be the last. These folks are much brighter than we give them credit for.

Tattooing is a very permanent thing. Any kind of piercing can be later removed if you so desire, but there is nothing like entering an interview with a silhouette of Mickey Mouse showing through your nylons or a skull with crossbones glistening off your forearms.

Piercing is fine and dandy if you get some sort of thrill from excruciating pain. However, ladies, keep in mind my early advice about your body’s maximum potential as a freshman when considering whether to pierce any part of the abdomen. Crop tops were not made to last forever.

Extra shot of espresso, please.

If you think you are just a social smoker, accept reality now. Just because you do not own your own pack or have never bought a lighter doesn’t mean you’re not a smoker.

You will soon find out you are just alienating yourself from the friends you keep bumming from.

Never become too good at foosball. If this is the only sport you excel in, it is a good sign that you spend way too much time in a bar. If you happen to be one of the few lucky people who spent money on installing a foosball table in your home, you are a sad exception to this rule.

Start working out now. You will never realize how much you abused the free workout opportunities at the Rec until you have to start looking at the prices of real gyms.

Avoid business ventures that are in any way associated with the word Amway.

Never try to touch-tone in your classes just one minute prior to your designated registration time. No matter how many semesters in a row you try this feat, you will never succeed.

If you ever attempt to try one of the many frequently visited tanning beds in Ames, always wear undergarments. I won’t go into detail, but the horror stories I’ve heard would send you running. Some places just shouldn’t be randomly exposed to sun.

Cliff’s Notes require some reading, too. Nothing is really learned through osmosis.

You can establish good credit without racking up thousands of dollars in debt to multiple plastic banks located across the country.

Keep in mind that just because the card has an Iowa State logo for its background does not make it the best deal in town.

One drink is not comparable to one mug on an intoxication scale.

And always remember that just because you did 21 shots on your twenty-first birthday does not mean you have to do 22 shots on your twenty-second. Some things just really shouldn’t have a sequel.

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Ellyn Peterson is a senior in journalism and international studies from Algona.