Tom Green – that guy’s got a cool job

Corey Moss

Easter season is over, which means our small talk season will shift from “Are you doing anything for Easter?” (Does anyone ever really do anything cool?) to “Do you have a job yet?”

I like this one a little better because I actually have a cool summer job — with the fine folks at VH1.

When boasting about how cool this job will be, however, I always somehow seem to leave out the fact that my cool summer job is missing a key element in coolness — money.

OK, I suck. I’ll be making coffee and not getting paid. But let me promise you I will not suck for long.

After all, I am well aware of what a cool job is and who has them.

Take Tom Green, for instance. This guy has the coolest job ever.

He goes to work everyday and pisses people off. Actually, sometimes he just stays at home and pisses his family off.

And he’s getting paid the big bucks for making the only show MTV should be proud of.

Another guy with a cool job is Dennis Rodman. What does he do on a daily basis? Piss people off.

It wouldn’t be very hard to have Rodman’s job either. I mean, basketball isn’t easy, especially shooting and dribbling. But all Rodman does is jump up and catch a ball.

I was watching an “Up Close” interview with the Worm a few weeks ago, and in one of those cheesy over-dramatic tones, the interviewer asked, “Are you happy?”

I’ll never forget his answer: “I get to have sex with Carmen Electra every night, what do you think?”

Which brings me to another man with a cool job — David Hasselhoff.

What does he do? He stands around on the beach all day watching former Playboy centerfolds try to act. He’s got the best of both worlds — comedy and beauty.

And how hard would it be to be David Hasselhoff? The guy’s not even buff, and his hairdo has been the same since “Nightrider.”

Another guy I was thinking has a cool job is the Mohawk Man who runs the Meskwaki.

I can’t figure out why this man is never smiling. All he does at work is walk around and collect money from moron college students and senior citizens who think there is a strategy to playing roulette.

If I was Mohawk Man, I would be more of a Tom Green-type. I’d set up my office outside the front doors and just count money and laugh as all the broke morons were leaving.

One guy you know is laughing hysterically, lounging in front of a TV somewhere, is Norman Cook, a.k.a. Fatboy Slim.

This guy’s made more commercial dollars the past year than any musician — and the funny thing is, he plays the turntables.

Fatboy’s pulling in $25 grand a night playing records.

Who should really be getting that cash is the guy who says, “Right about now, the funk soul brotha,” the same way over and over for six minutes.

That guy’s got the cool job.

I bet I know how he got started — making coffee.


Corey Moss is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Urbandale.