As the semester ends, I feel it my duty to look back and reflect on important events that have shaped our little world here in Ames.

First off, ISU was witness to the longest running debate between religious zealots and everyone else. The campus was divided into two armed camps: those who believed in alcohol and promiscuous sex and all the other sticks in the mud.

Thankfully, I avoided this debate because I respect the beliefs of others. Besides, we’re all going to hell anyway.

Then, for the first time since amino acids formed the first semblance of life, the ISU football team defeated the forces of evil and ended the reign of the Hawkeyes.

I may not be a huge fan of college athletics but it seemed pretty important to everyone else. The downside was that everyone was in Iowa City for the game when I turned 21.

Let’s not forget the women’s basketball team, which made it to the Elite 8 and helped my boys, Matt Herman and Kevin Velasquez, get on national television.

The women played great and gave a lot of pride to ISU students, and were the only athletic team that didn’t have a player arrested for rape or assault. They’re worth looking up to, and not just because they tower over me. Way to go!

But the most important thing that happened this year, and mostly because of its insidious repercussions, was the implementation of the Master Plan.

I know I shouldn’t make any comparisons between that and Hitler’s Final Solution, but it sounds just as ominous and has definitely put the screws to the students.

Looking at everything Randy Alexander has done I feel quite confident in labeling him the Great Satan.

First, he decided to close Maple for renovations needed to make the rooms into suites. Although I have no conclusive proof, I wouldn’t be surprised if Randy has a relative in the construction business.

Though Maple will reopen in the fall, the only people allowed to live there will be Boy Scouts! Just look at the requirements: 2.5 GPA, campus involvement, no disciplinary problems. It is possible that people in majors other than business might not make it, and what exactly does campus involvement mean, anyway? Do intramurals count, or must we have a certificate of bootlicking from Grand Wizard Alexander?

And don’t even get me started on that visitation policy, which looks like an attempt at legislating morality on behalf of Iowa prudes. While it may relieve naive parents, it will probably prove to be as easy to circumvent as the cohabitation and alcohol policies. Students are nothing if not crafty and underhanded.

But Alexander is a determined guy always looking to make a buck for the university.

The storage closets, which for years had been a free gift from the university, recently became paying rental units. If memory serves, the cost is fifteen dollars and each student is limited to a few specific items. While the cost is minimal, it is but a stepping stone to greater evils.

Recently, you may have noticed huge snow fences near the residence halls to keep students from parking on the grass when moving out. If you do the math you’ll realize there’s not enough room for everyone to park, which means we’ll have a traffic jam of biblical proportions.

Although I cannot exhort my followers to rip out the snow fences or set the grass on fire, it would be a nice stick in the eye to the administration. I realize we’re too busy with finals for a riot, but try and make your best individual effort!

Aside from that, I’d like to thank the Great Satan Randy Alexander for the new room preferencing policy that prevented me from moving into the room next door to mine. In all honesty, I have to question the intelligence of a man who thinks upperclassmen will want to live at Towers.

Before I go, I’d like to thank all the people who voted no on the Hilton expansion proposal.

You proved that Ames residents are intelligent enough to see through the claims that you can get something for nothing. Congratulations!

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Aaron Woell is a junior in political science from Bolingbrook, Ill. He’ll see you next semester … God willing.