So was it a riot or what? Some called it that, and I would have to agree with their assertion. Hundreds upon hundreds of students filing through the streets of a city ripping down signs and burning their clothes while chanting obscene phrases seems to me like it would qualify as a riot. And don’t say there wasn’t any looting, because I ended up with three charred bras in my pocket.

Beyond mere arguments of definition, however, there are other issues that our friendly neighborhood civil disturbance brought into the public spotlight.

Many self-righteous folks are up in arms because the students dared to have a little fun without declaring a worthy cause first.

They say that we should be concerned about what is going on in Kosovo. They say we should be ashamed that there are millions of people across the globe going hungry and we won’t even get up early enough to eat breakfast.

In short, they claim students are apathetic. In response, most students fall asleep watching “The Simpsons.”

Not me, though. I usually stay awake for the whole hour. Then after I finish my TV watching, I typically sit around and ponder the important issues of the day. I am one of the “they” people. And as one of the “they,” I am either angry at the world or depressed at all times.

On this particular day, I am angry. An issue important to all of us is constantly being ignored by students, media and concerned citizens alike. An issue of such sheer magnitude that it can no longer be overlooked.

I’m talking about the new Maple Hall renovation. It’s supposedly part of the Department of Residence’s Master Plan, which calls for the destruction and renovation of nearly all of the residence halls on campus.

What you don’t know is that Maple Hall is actually going to be a prison. Applications for rooms in Maple are already out, and slowly but surely uninformed students who happen to be involved in two extra-curricular activities are signing their freedom away by expressing desire to live in the new high-rise penitentiary.

All of the old windows have been removed from the building, and sockets are in place for bars to be installed over the glass.

Eight of the toughest, roughest RAs in the system have been hand-selected to go through a training process this summer that has been described as nothing less than “green beret-like.”

Lights inside the structure are on at all hours as dwarves and gnomes work in secret around the clock at constructing torture devices, including but not limited to racks, sharp wooden sticks, and study desks.

It is common knowledge that short people build the best prisons.

The so-called “construction workers” who are at the site during the day are simply figureheads. Their only purpose is to stand around wearing hard hats and smoking cigarettes to give the appearance of a legitimate renovation project.

Occasionally, they might ride up and down in their bright orange elevator, but that is only to portray an image of actual work being done.

Come this August, when people are moving into Maple, things will appear normal at first.

I’m sure a few of the more observant residents will wonder why the RAs always carry rifles around, but all other prison-like features will be written off as security measures or other such positive crap.

Having the exterior doors locked 24 hours a day will be described as “revolutionary.”

Requiring attendance at “house meetings” will fall under the heading of “building leadership skills.”

But all the while, more and more jail features will be added daily.

Residents will wake up one morning bright and early to find bars on their windows and their room door locked from the outside.

The DOR will then slowly take away cable channels, eventually leaving the imprisoned students with nothing but The Nashville Network and PAX in an attempt to promote insanity.

By mid-September, you’ll even forget Maple ever existed (Randy Alexander had a bit part in “The Shadow”).

Friends that you used to know lived there will fade from your memory.

All the while, over 500 ISU students will be held captive on their own campus, segregated from the rest of society.

“What can we do?” you ask. I suggest another riot to stop the atrocity before it starts. Get the old gang back together, this time way more intoxicated and destructive.

We’ll go to Goodwill, buy a bunch of old shirts, place them in a pile around Maple, and let that prison burn.

And then we’ll stumble back to our respective homes and fall asleep watching TV.

You can only care so much in one night, you know.

---

David Roepke is a sophomore in journalism and mass communication from Aurora. Attica! Attica!