I picked up this great CD the other day. On the front there’s this little sticker which reads, “Music of hope and redemption for the new millennium from one of this century’s greatest spiritual leaders.”

No, it’s not John Tesh’s latest album. It’s the Pope’s.

That’s right, the head of the Catholic Church, John Paul II, has released a CD on Sony Classical. Of course, that’s really just his stage name. Following in the footsteps of such renowned entertainers as John Wayne (Marion Morrison) and Bob Dylan (Robert Zimmerman), John Paul II decided not to use his given name. Not surprising, if you think about it. “Karol Wojtyla” just isn’t as likely to fly off the shelves.

This release follows on the heels of a number of previous personal encounters with Christian commodities. A few weeks ago I had a friend give me a copy of “Jesus: Special Edition” he had supposedly chosen to receive a copy of. I thought that was pretty cool. Nothing like religions marketing themselves.

The real kickers, though, are the Bible action figures I have. Proudly displayed on my door is Jesus (“Lord of All”), a poseable action figure complete with a bowl of five loaves and two fish. Also in the series are Samson (“God’s Muscle Man,” donkey jawbone included), Moses (“God’s Humble Servant”) and the David and Goliath set (not sold separately).

I just about died laughing when I noticed that Jesus is a choking hazard — I guess sometimes there’s more truth to marketing than we think. Interestingly, the Pope’s CD is classified by CDNow as “comedy/spoken word.” And the Jesus video has a wonderful quote on the packaging lauding the film’s authentic portrayal — this despite Christ clearly being very white, and significantly better-groomed than everyone else on camera. The irony behind Christians peddling such wares is pretty hard to miss.

Yeah, I had a good laugh when I heard about those action figures, and now I’ve got a Jesus video and “Abb… Pater” to round out my collection of pre-packaged, mass-marketed, bar-coded “truth.”All this merchandise really adds integrity to Christianity. Nothing warms the heart and builds the faith like seeing the oldest church’s leader signing recording deals with Japanese conglomerates.

I was pretty disappointed, though, that John Paul II doesn’t actually sing on his new album. It’s essentially a collection of his speeches and prayers layered over original scores by some Italian composers — which explains the CDNow categorization. Kind of.

Anyway, I used to think this CD release was a sign that Christianity had really hit rock bottom.

But then I realized it has so much farther to go, and the Pope’s the man to take it there.

Now that he’s figured out canonizing over 1000 saints isn’t generating the headlines or the attention the church needs and has entered the world of true capitalistic enterprise, the possibilities are endless. Branching out is inevitable.

There’s already a music video (unfortunately I haven’t seen it yet), but, after that, the most obvious step is to bring some top-notch DJs together for some phat dance remixes.

I’m sure Fatboy Slim could spin some mad beats with “Dove c’e amore, c’Š dio.”

After that comes the John Paul II World Tour. Ticket sales are a lock: We already know he’s got a huge following wherever he goes. And with the tour comes T-shirts, radio giveaways and everything else.

But there’s no reason to stick with music. The Pope is recognizable, and he can spread the Word through other products.

Imagine the possibilities: Inspirational JPII salad dressing. Air Pontiff shoes. 10-10-POPE.

The heavenly scent of Vatican Cologne. John Paul II’s “Crucifixion: the ultimate strategy game” for Windows. Enough with Cosby — it’s time for some new Jell-O commercials starring His Holiness.

Or why buy Evian when there’s Pope™ holy bottled water? And let’s not forget the bound-to-be-wildly-popular holy PEZ dispenser bearing his likeness.

The Church used to think it had it good when it was selling indulgences, but I tell you, they’ve only touched the tip of the iceberg with their latest release.

Action figures, movie deals, CD’s … it doesn’t have to stop there. Sure, they’ll be competing with the Lutheran action figures and the “Southern Baptist Home Boycotting Kits,” but there’s always room in this world for further capitalist exploitation. Just ask Karol.

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Ben Byrne is a senior in graphic design from Edina, Minn.