I was sitting in my room Thursday night thinking to myself “what should I write my column about this week?” Suddenly, as if summoned by the gods of column ideas, hundreds of rowdy ISU students chanting phrases that rhymed with “Duck Fry Veishea” appeared outside my window.

“Bingo,” I thought. “I hate playing bingo.” But this was not the time to dwell on that. News was breaking right outside my window and, as a journalist, I felt it was my duty to cover this event.

I decided the only way I could get the real scoop on this story was to go “undercover” by joining this mob and participating in all of its mob-like activities. Even if that meant tearing down stop signs and cursing at DPS, I was willing to do it because that’s the kind of dedicated journalist I am.

From my research that night, this is how I would sum up the mob’s activities:

We’d walk with a great sense of purpose in one direction until someone with long arms would come up with a brilliant idea. “Let’s stop,” he’d shout, raising is arms. The stopping would continue until someone else would come up with an equally brilliant idea. “Let’s go,” he’d shout. We’d all go. This was repeated numerous times.

But why were we out there? Nobody really knew. Some were out there to protest dry Veishea. To prove that students can be responsible drinkers, these people got plastered and mooned President Jischke’s house. Others protested the poor lighting on campus by tearing down the few lights that actually worked. Some people went so far as to burn their underwear beneath the Campanile — an obvious protest of something.

It was refreshing to see that so many students were willing to take to the streets in support of a cause they firmly believed in, even if they didn’t know exactly what that cause was.

The day after, everyone was talking about “the riot.” But was this really a riot? Riots involve violence, destruction, hatred, looting, total disregard for the law and English soccer fans. Granted, it may have been a bad night to be a stop sign in Ames, but aside from that, the destruction was kept to a minimum.

And the most disregard we showed for the law was blocking traffic on Lincoln Way at 1 a.m. I’m sure this made both drivers very upset, but I doubt it made any cops shake in their boots.

I would probably classify Thursday night’s fun as an impromptu parade. In fact, we did so much walking, I almost felt like we should have been taking pledges for the American Bedwetter’s Association, or some other worthy cause.

For the most part, I’m glad that things didn’t escalate into a riot on Thursday night. I don’t condone rioting, and I’m afraid that most ISU students are not fully prepared to participate in a riot, should the need arise. How is ISU to become the nation’s top land grant university if it is so lacking in this area? Because of this, I think it is important for all of you to prepare a “Personal Riot Kit,” so if an actual riot breaks out here at ISU, you can become “riot ready.”

The first thing your kit needs is a torch. This should be made of a thick piece of wood and wrapped with kerosene soaked rags. Torches are the rioter’s flashlight and are great for setting fire to buildings, priceless artifacts and your best friend’s hair. Who said rioters can’t be pranksters too?

The next item you’ll want to get is a bullhorn. There’s no point cursing at authority and spewing propaganda if you can’t be heard. Protest signs are important too. What your sign says is not very important as long as it has a lot of swear words and exclamation points! Also, if you want to increase your chances of getting on the evening news, try working a network name into your banner, such as: “VeisheA Blows Cows!!!”

Every riot kit should also contain weapons. The two weapons favored most by master rioters are baseball-sized stones and 2-by-4s with a nail at the end. The rocks are great for breaking windows and hitting cops, while the 2-by-4 is a great weapon for beating the tar out of innocent bystanders.

A back brace is also essential. Spend a full evening tipping squad cars without one, and you’ll be hating yourself the next morning.

Don’t forget to pack a bottle of hard liquor, too. As a rioter, you’ll be doing a lot of possibly immoral things, and you’d hate to have your conscience getting in the way of things. As a bonus, whatever liquor you don’t drink can later be used as a Molotov cocktail.

All of this should be packed in a burlap sack. Once your sack is emptied, you can use it to help carry the new high definition television you picked up while you were looting.

Finally, be sure to carry a quarter so you can call your lawyer when you are thrown in jail.

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Peter Borchers is a sophomore in advertising from Bloomington, Minn. He thanks you for not tipping his car Thursday night.