Gambling, gambling and more gambling. What in the hell has gotten into me?

I took a couple of trips to the nearby Meskwaki casino this weekend and came out up $180. I’m feeling like I can’t lose.

Then I wake up this morning, still feeling lucky, and head off for a little more wagering.

You guessed it.

I lost my ass.

Two hundred thirty dollars down, and I have nothing to show for it but one seriously chapped ass and two empty cigarette boxes.

My God, what I wouldn’t do to have that money back. I would seriously do some crazy things.

I have to tell you: It crossed my mind to mug some 80-year-old man who had just hit the big one on the slots.

But then again, it also crossed my mind to get a truck load of C-4 and blow that shit-hole casino off the planet.

Now that I am a little calmer, I can say that although I won’t be back for a while, I am fascinated with the casino.

It can make you feel like the happiest man alive or the most depressing human being ever. And those emotions can switch in a matter of seconds.

Every time I come home from the casino, even if I’m up, I am exhausted.

I mean, how many times can a guy want to kiss a stranger next to him, and then two seconds later, want to rip their soul out and eat it? It’s pretty exhilarating.

I am an observer, though. I watch what I see. I learn what I watch.

And after countless hours of losing my butt, I have not figured out how to win, but rather, what kind of people should never go to the casino.

I figure there are five kinds of people who would be better off playing Russian roulette with a loaded gun than going to Meskwaki.

No 1. The compulsive loser.

For example, me. If you think you are anything like me and you see a sign for any casino, turn your car around and drive as fast as you can in the opposite direction. Do not look back. Try your best to never think about it again. Never even speak a word about gambling establishments.

No 2. Anyone like Corey Moss.

He’s the guy who breaks even no matter what he does. He gets up a little just to fall behind a little and eventually ends up with the same thing.

When he leaves, he basically just wasted a huge portion of his day for nothing.

No 3. The drunk.

If you have consumed alcohol and have a credit card, do not go to the casino or else you find yourself doubling-down with the farm, as well as your mom.

No 4. The ugly guy.

Ugly people never win at anything.

No 5. The virgin.

If you are a virgin, do not go to the casino.

Look, if you haven’t really gotten lucky yet, don’t even attempt to get lucky. Do you know what I mean? Hit the skins just to get your vibe going and then try the casino.

Everyone out there have a good day and meet me at the casino tonight. I’ll be there ’til midnight.

We’ll talk later.

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Chad Calek is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Persia.