With spring break just around the corner, many college students are scrambling for ways to earn a few extra bucks. I know you probably think that because they put my picture in the paper every week they must be paying me a ridiculously large amount of money in secret Swiss bank accounts, but such is not the case.

I am just as broke as you. I probably even owe you money. So, in addition to my two jobs, I’m always looking to make some easy money. Using my vast knowledge of the subject, I thought I’d give you my thoughts on ways you can earn some quick money for spring break.

Art Class Model

In one of my weaker moments freshman year, I decided to sell my body and model for an art class. It looked like free money. I thought I just had to sit there while the artists did their thing. But the professor had other plans. Every pose he put me in involved either balancing on one foot with my other foot positioned somewhere near my ear or dangling my entire body awkwardly from the ceiling.

In addition to the excruciating pain of holding these poses, I had a hard time getting comfortable with the thought that a room full of guys spent two hours of their day analyzing my body.

They didn’t tip very well either. Modeling does pay pretty well, but it’s not enough to cover the chiropractor you’ll need when you’re finished.

Selling Your Plasma

This is probably the most popular way to make money quickly here at ISU, but I don’t recommend it. If someone else needs my plasma so badly they are willing to pay me for it, maybe I need my plasma bad enough that I shouldn’t be giving it away.

And who was the first guy to decide that humans, in general, have too much stuff in their body? Sure, removing certain organs and giving away vital body fluids seems like a good idea now. But the guy who thought about doing it had to be crazy:

Crazy Doctor: “OK, people, there are way too many organs in this body, and some things need to go. First, we can get rid of a kidney and a lung; he doesn’t need two of them. This appendix thing is kind of gross, get rid of that. And those tonsils just take up valuable space.”

Crazy Assistant: “Is that all, doctor?”

Crazy Doctor: “That noodley-lookin’ thing that’s filling up the skull can go, too. I know I’m surviving just fine without using mine.”

Supplying Alcohol to Minors

There is a lot of money-making potential here if you are over 21. Minors are more than willing to pay a service charge if you’ll buy them beer. Unfortunately, the couple bucks you can make off your friends isn’t going to get you to Mexico. That’s why you’ll need to advertise.

I recommend putting posters up in the dorms and placing fliers on car windshields at Ames High.

There is a moral dilemma that exists when you buy beer for minors, so before you go into this business you must ask yourself, “Am I strong enough to buy beer and sell it to other people without feeling guilty for not drinking it myself?”

Prostitution

Unfortunately, there is not much of a market for prostitution in Ames. Too many people are providing this service for free.

Maxing Out Credit Cards

If you’re hard up on cash, paying for your trip with credit cards may at first look like the answer. But as I mentioned a couple weeks ago, credit card companies are evil.

In the commercials they make it look like you can buy luxurious trips, large houses, private islands and a colony on the moon with these new platinum credit cards. Indeed, you can buy all this and more, but they fail to mention that you have to pay them back, which you will never be able to do. This gives them the legal right to abduct you and use you in experiments involving the Spice Girls, Jerry Springer and a Ronco Pocket Fisherman.

Scuba Dive in Lake LaVerne

A couple weeks ago, DPS sent a scuba crew into Lake LaVerne and they pulled out a brand new dishwasher. If you spent a weekend searching the muck, who knows what you could find: washing machines, dryers, Volkswagens. You might even find an entire appliance store.

Even if you don’t wind up finding anything, you will at least be able to sue the school for the deep skin rash you’ll likely receive from LaVerne’s polluted water.

These options are just a sample of the money-making opportunities available to you at ISU.

Be creative and find your niche. There is a whole market in racketeering and extortion that has yet to be tapped in Ames.

And one final bit of financial advice: Bet your life savings on the Cyclones in the Big 12 tourney.

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Peter Borchers is a sophomore in advertising from Bloomington, Minn. He’s in debt to his parents who’ve hired a thug to break his knees.