When the nobles of Europe clamped down hard on the Knights Templar, it sent the organization underground. It is a matter of some fascination and speculation that the group may still exist to this day, more powerful than ever and controlling the fate of the world through secret machinations, political influence and rituals of darkest magic.

If Dartmouth actually succeeds in destroying or modifying the greek system there, it could actually be the best thing for those guys.

After all, the university can’t tell the greeks to do away with kegs, roofies and spanking if the greeks are living in a secret underground lair in the sewers beneath Hanover, N.H. right? Of course not. They can do what they want without the fear of surprise inspections.

The open nature of fraternities is really what has been holding them back for all these years. They aren’t secret enough.

Just because you light candles, haze and have members-only handshakes doesn’t make you a secret organization. The problem with fraternities is that they are TOO visible.

Fraternities around the country should be looking on what is happening at Dartmouth as a lucky break. An opportunity, if you will. Some see the end of a tradition that has lasted nearly 150 years. I see a juncture which could signal the beginning of unparalleled growth — personal and megamaniacal.

Just remember, when they come for you, bundle up your hordes and head for the steam tunnels, boys. Parlay your influence into a dark empire which does whatever the hell it wants to until you are rooted out like truffles by villagers with flaming torches.

University administrations can’t tell you that you can’t have parties if you aren’t living above ground where they can easily see that, yes, you are indeed having a couple hundred of your closest friends over for grog or jungle juice or whatever the hell you call the stuff you drink out of garbage cans with the fruit chunks, whipped cream, Everclear and lighter fluid.

And if you want to have a real Greco-Roman style bacchanalia, you have to make plenty of room for the beer slides and short of a stadium, sewers and steam tunnels have the best runways. Damn the consequences.

The Man isn’t going to let you have fun YOUR way. He wants to keep you down. So why not go all the way down? Down to the steam tunnels where you can rule the surface dwellers from your steamy perch. The only inconvenience is getting the underage girls to go to parties where it stinks of poo and dead rats, but the ones who DO go … WATCH OUT! That’s good lovin’.

Here is how you do it.

First, locate a steamy perch.

Second, move all your paddles, robes and secret handshake diagrams down to your steamy perch.

Third, begin ruling the world through the influence of your powerful alumni and/or evil minions which ever ones are, in fact, more powerful.

Quite frankly, I have never really had much of a problem with fraternities. I even used to be in one here at ISU, and my picture is no doubt still hanging on a wall in one of your houses as we speak. Go look for it; it will be like a game.

Don’t worry though, I completely forgot the secret handshake. I blame myself as much as anyone else for the spankings I suffered and/or enjoyed. Please sir, may I have another? And my grade point eventually recovered, but the dip was my fault because I didn’t take advantage of the cheat files.

I got to make out with a gymnast. That was cool. I got absolutely hammered on a regular basis. I helped our house achieve victory during the Greek Week Tug O’ War Battle Royale. And I learned maybe just a little bit about what it means to be a man. Or at least a guy. A guy in a fraternity.

And I suppose I could have kept on having a good time with my “brothers” but after the crap gets so high, breathing gets too hard. I was never that partial to conformity, although I personally love the pea coat look.

So if I fail to shed a tear at the prospect of Dartmouth ending the glorious tradition of fraternities and sororities, do forgive me because I fail to see the benefits fraternities and sororities provide to the communities they operate in.

Doing a little philanthropy once in a while to throw the dogs off the scent just doesn’t cut it. Maybe if something of value ever came out of the greek system, it would be different.

Maybe if they switched the priority they give to drinking and charity work, it would be different.

Besides, I could never really see the future as a place where there are still fraternities.

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Greg Jerrett is a graduate student in English from Council Bluffs. He is the opinion editor of the Daily.