Valentine’s Day is an interesting phenomenon. Whether caused by the alignment of the planets or the gravitational pull of TV Guides, the day comes around every year with alarming regularity.

It is the one day of the year on which men are expected to perform above and beyond the call of duty and do something special for their significant others.

For most of us, this is simply beyond our capabilities.

We’re expected to do something romantic, sweet, unique and imaginative.

It must be sickeningly sweet, but not so much that we expose ourselves to public ridicule.

You see, men hate appearing sensitive to other men. That’s why we grunt a lot and punch each other in the shoulder. It’s masculine.

Anyway, the present you buy must be creative and cute. Anything run of the mill is a serious no-no. Show up with a card and flowers and you’ll find the locks changed.

Ditto anything that isn’t a vast improvement over last year’s gift. If you buy her emerald earrings one year, giving her a coffee mug saying “World’s Greatest Lover” just won’t cut it the next.

Unfortunately, even our great friend Hallmark is no help. All of their cards assume you’ve been dating for sixteen years or are already married with two kids in the pipeline. But what if your relationship status doesn’t measure up to Hallmark standards?

My friend Josh and I realized this while looking for cards on Tuesday. As much as we tried, we just couldn’t find a card that said “We’ve been friends for three years … It’s nice being able to fool around.”

And don’t even try looking for a card if you’ve only been dating for a short time. The shelves were suspiciously empty of “I hope this works out … But we’ve only been dating for two weeks so we have no way of knowing. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

So what’s a man to do?

While paying people to come to your sweetheart’s class and serenade her may work in the movies, most women turn bright red and give you back your prized beer can collection along with a list detailing all of your shortcomings.

So the ultimate gift must be unorthodox and meaningful, allowing you to build upon it every year. Keeping that in mind, Josh and I figured out the ultimate Valentine’s Day gift: Dirt.

It may not seem like much at first, but if you stick with our plan you’ll remain the object of her desire for decades to come.

After the initial offering of dirt, present her with fertilizer for the next couple of years. You can even splurge and buy some Miracle Grow. If she says anything, just tell her to keep watering the dirt to promote fungus growth.

Around year four you can buy her a pot to put her plant in, since she probably has other uses for the milk jug she originally used.

Remember: If you buy cheap you can upgrade for a number of years running, always getting her something nicer.

If she starts to get impatient about seeds, just tell her that good things come to those who wait.

Now you’ve reached the pivotal point in your relationship: what seeds will you buy her?

Be certain that when you buy the seeds you keep them, otherwise she might decide to plant them and grow her own flowers. Then what good are you?

The next year you can show up with a flower in its early stages, hopefully no more than a few sprouts in the dirt. Tell her that in time her patience will be rewarded.

After the initial sprout year, show up with a somewhat larger plant every year thereafter. If she complains about how long it takes you to grow a plant, remind her that perfection takes time.

Despite your caring tenderness, some women will be getting annoyed at not having a fully grown flower after ten years. Whenever she whines about the growing flower, just tell her something sweet like “it’s growing every day just like my love for you.” That should be enough to shut them up.

Eventually you’ll have to give in and present her with a full-sized flower somewhere down the line. When this happens, smile proudly and comment on how beautiful the flower is.

Casually mention all the love that went into growing the plant, and how every time she looks at it she should be reminded of her love for you. With any luck she’ll buy it and you’ll be off the hook for the next 364 days.

That should give you enough time to plan next year’s present.

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Aaron Woell is a junior in political science from Bolingbrook, Ill. He will be spending Valentine’s Day at the bike shop.