I was recently informed that this coming Sunday is Valentine’s Day. Most years when I hear this, my thought is, “so what’s your point?”

This year, however, when I was reminded that Valentine’s Day is this weekend, I thought to myself, “Oh crap!”

For the first time in my life I will actually be in a relationship on Valentine’s Day.

I’m afraid one of those “Mr. T says: Be my Valentine” cards that we passed out to our classes back in elementary school isn’t going to cut it this year.

Hopefully I’ll figure something out that won’t leave my girlfriend too disappointed.

Because I’d hate for her to open up her heart-shaped spatula and storm out of my life right in the middle of a romantic Extra Value Meal.

The main reason I don’t want to lose her, in addition to the fact that she has digital cable, is that I don’t want to have to walk around trying to pick up women again.

Oh, she’s also a really sweet girl.

Those of you who read my column are probably thinking to yourself, “Peter has a column in the Daily, plays the banjo and bears a striking resemblance to Leonardo DiCaprio. Women would probably run through fire to get with him.”

Shocking as it may sound, I haven’t always had the easiest time picking up women.

This is especially true at parties, which, coincidentally, happens to be today’s topic.

Supposedly, parties are the best place for college guys to meet women. In theory, it makes a lot of sense, but in practice, I haven’t found that to be the case.

I’d have to say parties provide the worst atmosphere I can think of to meet girls.

First, they turn out the lights so you can’t tell that the face of the girl you’re trying to talk to is covered with a hideous looking, four-inch thick layer of makeup.

Then they pump up the music so loud you can’t even figure out what you’re saying, let alone what anyone might be saying to you. This makes conversation difficult, as demonstrated in this “Typical Party Dialogue”:

Guy: Hi there.

Girl: What?

Guy: Hi, what’s your name?

Girl: Sure, you can get me another beer.

Guy: What?

Girl: Yes.

Guy: That’s a pretty name. Where are you from?

Girl: I’m in elementary ed.

Guy: That’s near Waterloo, isn’t it?

Girl: What? Where’s my beer?

As you can clearly see, these two young singles have learned absolutely nothing about each other.

Odds are, they will probably see each other on campus two weeks later, which will inevitably lead to the “should I know you?” cross-eyed stare, and they will eventually walk past each other without saying a word.

This is why unless you have a voice that can carry across state lines, conversation will get you nowhere at parties.

So, instead of trying to learn anything about a woman’s personality, at parties guys filter out their prospects using a rigorous visual screening process that determines:

1. Does she have breasts?

2. If I put in the effort, will I get to see them by the end of the night?

Once a guy sees a girl he thinks meets these ridged requirements, he will then attempt to woo her using a highly practiced routine of shouting and spilling beer on her shirt.

Occasionally, relationships are actually formed using this method, which is probably the reason America’s divorce rates are so high.

Other times, relationships aren’t formed, but new babies are, which is rather unfortunate.

“Peter,” you must be thinking, “everything you’ve said is true, but all the women on campus are at these parties.”

That is incorrect, however.

There are plenty of women who aren’t at these parties.

“So where are they,” you ask “and how can I meet them?”

They are out with their boyfriends, and you can’t.

“So how are we supposed to meet women?”

The best advice I can give is to stop looking.

Looking for a girl is like looking for a lost pair of keys.

You can spend all day looking for them unsuccessfully, then when you finally give up, you realize your keys have been in your pocket the whole time.

So maybe it’s not like looking for your keys.

But I know if you’re not going out looking for a girl, you’ll probably wind up stumbling upon one eventually that you really like.

Just like stubbing your toe, and I guarantee the “not looking” method is much better than the “trying to score at a party” method.

But if you can’t find a girl for Valentine’s day, consider yourself lucky. At least you won’t have to miss “The Simpsons.”

Peter Borchers is a sophomore in advertising from Bloomington, Minn. He is hosting a huge party this Friday night. Everyone is invited.