Eek! Quick, run to your television. Shield your impressionable 1- to 6-year-olds’ eyes from the new television threat.

It’s not the “Ellen” reruns or even “Will & Grace.” It’s something more insidious.

Brace yourself, it’s … the “Teletubbies.”

According to the Reverend Jerry Falwell, the stalwart defender of morality and homophobia, Tinky Winky is gay.

The insightful reasoning behind Falwell’s pronouncement is that Tinky Winky is purple, has a boy’s voice, totes a purse and has a triangle on his head.

This evidence supposedly officially designates Tinky Winky as gay. Talk about stereotyping!

Who is switching the medication in Reverend Falwell’s cabinet?

Let’s examine Reverend Falwell’s reasoning. First, the color purple.

From what I can recall, I always thought pink was the official color of the gay movement. But after consulting with Bert and Ernie of “Sesame Street,” I’ve been informed that gays have moved from pink to a rainbow of colors. Bert said pink was limiting the color-coordinating capacity of their wardrobe.

I have to admit to watching the “Teletubbies.” Reverend Falwell’s hearing must be better than mine. I always thought Tinky Winky’s voice was closer to incomprehensible blather. I’m glad Reverend Falwell has finally determined the gender, now their conversations make much more sense.

What about the purse? Well, the producers of the show say the purse is actually a bag filled with magic dust. Reverend Falwell might suggest it’s faerie dust which through osmosis is transmitted through the TV screen to poison the minds of our unsullied children. Get real — Tinky Winky is a FICTIONAL character.

What if Tinky Winky is gay? Will that fact turn all of his viewers into color-coordinated, triangle- brandishing, screaming queens? I seriously doubt it. But, as you are aware, the presidential contenders are lining up, and Y2K isn’t too far away. So be prepared for more paranoia, misinformation and lunacy from your favorite funny-mentalist pseudo-Christians.

Mark H. Williams

Senior

Sociology