If the candy bar in the underwear didn’t work last semester, here are some more great tips on alienating unwanted roommates.

Keep stacks of Cosmos and farm journals on your desk. Leave your door locked, and spray your face with a fine mist of water when you hear the key jiggling in the lock. When your roommate comes in, pull your covers up real fast and say, “Hey, you’re home early” all out of breath and fidgety like you were surprised. If this fails, switch to Scoutmaster Weekly as this will likely seal the deal.

No one likes a roommate who snores like a narwhal but not everyone is blessed with a deviated septum. There are options, however. Got milk?

Before you go to bed, find the brand with the highest fat content. Avoid skim milk at all costs as this will defeat your intended purpose. If milk is not available, eat a lot of cheese or chug a quart of runny yogurt. Just coat your throat with as much dairy as possible. This will make someone with nostrils the size of coffee mugs start snoring like a chainsaw for hours. Of course, you can always just fake it.

All you need to do is keep your roommate from falling asleep for a couple of hours and wake them up a few times after they do finally pass out at 3 a.m.

You can actually buy marijuana scented incense in Ames and if your roommate is one of those rare individuals who really hates people who smoke weed AND knows what it smells like, you can lay the groundwork for the old “I hate my druggie roommate” gambit. Using ink from an ordinary black pen, darken the sacks under your eyes until you look like Bela Lugosi at a Grateful Dead concert. Wear tie-dyed shirts and hemp pants. If you can force your hair into dreadlocks, it would be a big help too. Get a Bob Marley poster, some little, round shades and some Birkenstocks to complete your stereotypical look.

Being abundantly outdoorsy can alienate a lot of weaker men because it makes them feel inadequate. All arguments against guns and hunting aside, your average man still feels like a sissy next to a guy who knows what it is like to kill something. Flannel shirts, orange hats and vests and big, waffle-stomper boots complete this look. The coup de gras is turning your dorm room into a professional smokehouse. Rabbits, crows and squirrels are plentiful on campus and they all taste great when they are properly aged and seasoned while hanging from available space in your room.

Even though the days of red witch hunts are over, most Americans still hate and fear Communists enough to want to irrationally avoid anyone they suspect of being a commie sympathizer. If you aren’t too sensitive about labels and gatherings, joining the Communist party can be an easy and effective way to ensure your privacy. The Web is full of sites where you can join the Communist Party of the United States online. Wear drab khakis, smart-looking glasses and sport a trim goatee and soon you will be the only one staying up late at night watching “Red October,” comrade.

Speaking of witch hunts, satanists are usually not the most desired of roommates either. Black candles, mysterious altars and pamphlets on blood rituals can make the most of open-minded of roommates put in for re-assignment. The right to freely express your religious beliefs should let you get around the department of residence’s tricky “no slaughtering of live animals” rules. The blood of chickens and goats can bring good fortune and power. And if the Dark Lord shows up, just ask HIM to find a new place for your roommate.

I was once on the receiving end of a mighty good whoopass. I had a roommate from Ireland who was always accusing me of stealing his food. He would come home drunk every night and scarf down three bowls of cereal and half a pound of blood sausage, then accuse me of stealing it the next day because he couldn’t remember scarfing it. Like people who weren’t drunk out of their minds would eat blood sausage. This nutjob was always coming home “shitered” and starting trouble.

God made tea and Jim Beam the same color for a reason. If you aren’t an alcoholic, yet you want all the benefits, get an empty bottle of bourbon and fill it with tea. Drink the entire thing in front of your roommate while he watches, and then start telling him how much you like him and how he is your best friend while singing Irish drinking songs and performing inebriation tests to prove how you can handle your liquor. The fear of finding out what you really think of him will keep him away for hours, if not days. The worst you should expect will be some counseling sessions at student services. But at least you will be able to come home to quiet room.

Greg Jerrett is a graduate student in English from Council Bluffs. He is opinion editor of the Daily.