It’s well known that the world has been going through a computer revolution over this past decade. During this time, I made it a personal crusade to learn as little about computers as possible.

It is well known that this gives me the approximate job skills of a second grader.

But this didn’t phase me. I vowed never to let the computer control my

life the way it controlled the lives of so many “computer geeks” I knew. I decided long ago that the best way to prevent this was sheer ignorance, and if there’s one field I truly excel in, it is ignorance.

I must admit, I do own a computer with hundreds of outstanding programs. I think I know how to run four of them.

A couple weeks ago, I thought “viruses” and the “Y2K problem” were big hoaxes made up by computer geeks looking for jobs.

I also didn’t believe in supernatural phenomenon, but this all changed one strange afternoon about a week ago.

I was alone in my room, doing some work on my couch. My computer was on, but I wasn’t using it when the disk drive opened and closed for no apparent reason.

I thought this was a little strange, but I figured it may have just needed the exercise, so I let it pass.

But then it happened again, and by again I mean about a dozen times. The solution to this problem was a simple one, I figured.

It was the same brilliant solution I use for the dreaded “SYNTAX ERROR” and when I’m losing in NHL Hockey. I hit the reset button.

Worry free, I went back to my couch.

But a few minutes later, my computer was not only opening the disk drive again, it was playing games, too. It messed around on its own calculator for a while and played some solitaire.

Then it told me to insert some soccer game I own into the disk drive it had conveniently opened for me.

This was when I really knew there was a problem with my computer. No sane person or computer would want to play that game — it sucks.

So I started writing an e-mail describing what was going on when my computer decided it wanted to give its two cents as well.

In the middle of my letter, he wrote “hello my friend do you ENJOY PORNO?”

The message was sent and was soon followed by a miniature porno slide show on my screen, courtesy of my computer.

This is really upset me. My computer is four years old. I figured he’d be more mature than that by now.

Of course, the computer had complete control of himself now. My mouse and keyboard did nothing.

I was just waiting for the devil himself to leap out of the computer and take me away.

All I could do was sit and shout at the stupid machine. Apparently, it heard me, because it talked back. “This is too much fun,” it wrote on the screen, leaving a box for me to respond in.

Holding a conversation with my computer was by far the creepiest experience of my life. In fact, for a while I thought my computer had actually come alive, like Johnny 5 in “Short Circuit.”

But after talking to it for a bit, I found out my computer was just being run by some guy I don’t know who lives in California and probably spends a majority of his Friday nights alone.

Fortunately for me, probably because he had already stolen my identity and maxed out my credit cards, this man was nice enough to tell me how to get rid of him. I must admit, he did seem like a decent guy once I talked with him for a while.

[Free computer tip: this whole problem was caused because I played Whack-a-mole, so don’t play it on your computer. It’s not very fun anyway.]

But I learned an important lesson that day. It pains me to say this, but computer geeks have all the power in this world nowadays.

Unfortunately, too many of these people are using their power for evil rather than good.

If you are a computer geek, I urge you to harness your skills for noble causes like solving that mysterious Y2K problem or enhancing great games like Oregon Trail.

Don’t be seduced by the evils of transmitting viruses or screwing with the computers of poor Daily columnists.

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Peter Borchers is a sophomore on advertising from Bloomington, Minn., where they built the Mall of America in his honor.