Welcome back to the grind, everybody. And I don’t mean that ridiculous sex-with-your-clothes-on type MTV Grind, either. No, it’s time to get back to school. While there are a lot of things that may make coming back here a miserable experience (exams, going into debt to buy books you won’t read, hangovers, etc.), there are certain things here that I missed dearly during break. Take urinals, for example.

I love urinals. I think urinals are one of the greatest inventions in history. Unfortunately, despite my pleas, my parents have never found the wisdom to install urinals in our house. So it is only here, in the dorms, where I get the pleasure of relieving myself every morning — hands free.

You ladies out there may not understand why this is such a big deal, but for a guy, getting every drop in the bowl early in the morning is not as easy as it may seem. This is especially true when a guy has held it a little too long and his bladder is about to explode. At times like this, a man’s, um, “urinating device” tends to have a mind of its own. The odds of a guy hitting the bowl under such conditions are about equal to the odds of a guy on crack being able to lace a shoe without those little plastic thingies at the end of the shoelace.

That’s what makes urinals such beautiful things. There is NO AIMING REQUIRED! Urinals are idiot- proof and, more importantly, they’re guy proof. It’s almost impossible to miss. Just unzip and let ‘er rip! Even when I’m not wearing my glasses, without which I can see about as well as an NFL referee with his eyes shut, I am confident in my ability to pee in a urinal.

But even if a guy happens to miss when using a urinal, unlike the toilet, the urinal has a backup safety device. That’s right, if he misses the urinal, he won’t accidentally hit the wallpaper, or the sink counter where his sister keeps her toothbrush like he might if he missed his toilet at home. No, the only thing he will hit if he misses the urinal is, in fact, another urinal. Kudos to he who designed the men’s bathroom.

But urinals aren’t the only thing I missed from this fine university. I really don’t think I could have gone much longer without Parks Library. ISU has pumped millions of dollars into that facility, and I say that it’s worth every penny for one reason: Those chairs are the most comfortable chairs in the world.

I don’t know what it is about those chairs, but I just can’t get enough of them. If there were TVs in the library, I don’t think I would ever leave. I have chairs and couches at my house, but something about the library makes it the most comfortable place in the world.

In addition to the great furniture, I was informed by some anonymous sources that there are actually books in the library. I did some research and, sure enough, there are books in the library — lots of them. And to think, I was content to just sit in the comfy chairs and stare at people.

But the main reason I am excited to be back for this new semester is so I can unveil my new toy. Yes, Santa was very nice to me this year. If all goes well, with the aid of this new toy I may have my own room and possibly my own building by the end of the week. That’s because Santa went all out this year and got me a banjo.

The beauty of my new banjo is that it is already out of tune. The best part is, since I have never played a banjo before, I don’t even know how to tune it. If I am diligent and wake up early every morning to play “She’ll Be Comin’ ‘Round the Mountain,” repeatedly, I’m sure to drive my roommate to near-suicide within a few days.

You may think this sounds crazy now, but just wait until our report cards come out. That’s right, I’ll be the one getting straight As without opening a book. Why? Everybody knows that if your roommate kills himself you get straight As for the semester. All I need to do is drive one roommate insane each semester for the next couple years and I’m on my way to a high-power job with a six figure salary. And people say there’s no easy way out.

Of course, if that scheme doesn’t quite pan out, I can always turn to being one of those bums who plays bad music outside sporting events for spare change. It’s a win-win situation. Have a great semester, everyone.

Peter Borchers is a sophomore in advertising from Bloomington, Minn.