Last week, as I trundled off to food circus for a spot of starch, I was approached by a fellow Buchananite with a request to do a column on the “Jesus Video.” The assumption being that I am virulently opposed to this video like I’m the anti-Christ or something. “Ask Damien, he’ll do anything.”

Actually, I like the idea of turning every dorm on campus into one big whorehouse of philosophical solicitation. I’m glad the “Jesus video” people helped open this can of worms … I swear to God. Now every campus group in existence can bring a legitimate case of prejudice against the Department of Residence if it ever forbids them to run wild, knocking on doors handing out materials.

There’s no justification to NOT let Jehovah’s Witnesses hand out copies of “The Watchtower.” We should also have Mormon missionaries hand out The Book of Mormon, what the hell, it’s free. I’m sure the Scientologists would be happy to pass out “Dianetics” and auditors to the masses. In fact, I don’t see any reason why dormies should be allowed even five minutes of peace between knocks.

Why stop with religion when this campus is full of organizations with political and social agendas that need to spread the word. As long as they aren’t asking for money, it’s all good with DoR.

Everybody’s running around saying it’s okay, they weren’t soliciting because they weren’t asking for money. Like that makes everything cool. The fact is the term “solicit” has nothing to do with asking for money. I hate it when people screw with the English language.

I also hate when I see “according to Webster’s” overused in columns but in this case, I GOT-TA! “Solicit” means to approach with a request and “would you like a video about Jesus?” is a request!

The new millennium won’t really start until 2001, but the popular impression is that the year 2000 is the new millennium. From this skewed perspective, the end is only just beginning and already we have the great race to gather souls going on.

We’ve got millennium freaks trying to jumpstart Armageddon in the Holy Land, university employees harassing college newspaper editors trying to promote their religious agendas and campus religious clubs getting permission from the university to go door to door in the hopes of getting a few more converts so they look cool for God on Judgment Day.

Here is the deal from the Buchananite POV as I grok it, Spaceman Spiff: We don’t like anyone knocking on our doors especially to convert us. We’re busy with classes to take and teach. When we get home, we don’t need people trying to turn us to the “light” because we are conveniently clustered.

We’ve got 24-hour quiet hours, and Bible-thumpers can telepathically communicate their “simple requests,” don’t bother us!

Buchanan is the most diverse dorm on campus, but the one thing we all have in common over there is we don’t like to be disturbed.

It does not surprise me in the least that these Christian groups got such a cold reception at Buchanan because the Department of Residence should never have given them permission to SOLICIT in the first place!

Before the semester gets too involved, I guess I am going to have to restate a few things and hope that the Christians listen if for no other reason than to keep them off MY doorstep: WE DON’T ALL SECRETLY WANT YOUR RELIGION! Get it yet? I have freakin’ HEARD the word of Jesus, okay?

I grew up in this predominantly Christian country just like you did.

I’ve done some Bible reading, and I can even spot a few things some of the born again cannot.

I believe that man is a spiritual creature and if I ever felt like there was a really good reason to go with Christianity, I would do it. I’ve gone to church voluntarily at many different times in my life and you know what? I never once felt the Spirit move me. I was always bitterly disappointed.

My mind was wide open, I was ready willing and eager to be filled with the word and every single time nothing happened.

Quite frankly, you guys bore me with your beatific smiles, your insipid probe questions and your handy, simplified quotations.

I wouldn’t join any religion that would have boring people for members. Religion should inspire and move people. These guys are like bad “Evening at the Improv” reruns from the ’80s … get some new material because your happy “at peace” routine is really getting stale in that Norman Bates scary friendly sort of way. I keep waiting to be witnessed to death in the shower.

So the next time you DoR uber-brains are debating whether or not to let ANYONE solicit, remember who pays your bills. At the very least ASK US FIRST.

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Greg Jerrett is a graduate student in English from Council Bluffs. He is opinion editor of the Daily. Don’t come a-knockin’!