Thanksgiving Day brought families around the dinner table, football fans around their television sets and professional wrestling fans to their knees.

Hollywood Hulk Hogan, 45, announced in an interview on Jay Leno that he was retiring from professional wrestling. Doug Gross, of the Savannah Morning News, called Hogan’s retirement “the end of an era.” Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea, has been the face of pro-wrestling ever since he took the WWF Championship Belt from Andre the Giant in the early 80s.

Since those glory days in the WWF, when he simply went by Hulk Hogan, he has since changed his image to the “bad boy” Hollywood Hulk Hogan and joined the WCW team.

Now Hogan has decided to put the Championship Belts back in the closet and throw his hat into the ring for the race for the presidency in the year 2000. Could this surprise move be inspired by Jesse Ventura’s recent victory in Minnesota’s gubernatorial race? Or is this just a publicity stunt for the WCW?

No one’s really saying. All I can tell you is that according to insiders, Eric Brischoff, WCW President, among others no longer felt that Hogan was able to sell a story line, and they encouraged his retirement.

Even though I know it will never happen, let’s imagine what it would be like if Hogan actually became our president in the year 2000.

[Wayne’s World Dream Warp] Do Do Do Do … Do Do Do Do.

It’s January 17. President Hulk Hogan took his oath of office yesterday. The ceremony took place on Capitol Hill, in the confines of a 10 x10 steel cage. Speaking at the ceremony was First Lady Elizabeth, who Hogan won in a wrestling match against Macho Man Randy Savage (who has since moved on to Slim Jim fame). Also speaking was Diamond Dallas Dave, the vice president who certainly contributed to the victory by motivating the trailer court vote.

The inaugural ball also took place last night. There was a speech by Hogan’s former tag team partner Mr. T. He was sporting a new look — it seems that ‘T’ sold all of his gold chains to buy hair plugs. He may be trying to change his image, hoping for a place in the Hogan-Dallas administration. He could possibly get the A-Team back together and take over the FBI.

Performing at the ball was Disco Inferno. Sporting a new polyester jumpsuit and headband, this WCW wrestler sang and danced to the greatest hits of the ’70s ’til the wee hours of the morning.

Bret “The Hit man” Hart was no where to be seen at the ball. Hart had launched a smear campaign back in August against Hogan. In one incident at a school appearance in Chattanooga, Hart actually attacked Hogan with a chair in an attempt to cripple Hogan and halt his campaign.

Hogan had more than just Hart to overcome in his bid for office. Several of the Nitro Girls came forward with their tales of sexual harassment. Some of the girls said they were pressured to have relations with Hogan in order to keep their title as a Nitro Girl and their spot in the annual calendar.

Finally, today, Hogan’s first full day in the Oval Office, he has released an unfinished list of new appointments:

1) The Latino World Order has been appointed to all key positions and will be taking over the Immigration and Naturalization Service.

2) “Mean Jean” will step down as interviewer and MC for WCW and replace Joe Lockhart as the presidential press secretary.

3) Bobby “The Brain” Heenen replaces Janet Reno as attorney general.

4) “Ravishing” Ric Flair has been chosen to champion the health care reform that former First Lady Hillary Clinton failed to do.

5) Macho Man Randy Savage and Rowdy Roddy Piper will head the committee on Social Security reform.

6) Cool Papa Pump will soon be the new head for the war on drugs. His pet project will be reducing steroid use among teen body builders.

7) Lex Lugar and Goldberg will head the Defense Department. Lugar will surely put U.S. enemies in the torture rack, and Goldberg will use the spear and jackknife power-bomb on the Middle-Eastern terrorists.

8) The new head of the Foreign Intelligence Board is Mr. Fujiama.

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**** Special thanks to my friend Ben Kuennen for his vast professional wrestling knowledge. I hope you all pass your finals and have a great winter break!

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Sarah Leonard is a senior in political science and journalism and mass communication from Lawler.