Friends, I feel we have reached the end. Armageddon, call it what you will, there’s no denying it’s just around the corner.

I don’t want you to think I’ve come to this decision lightly, or that I’m the kind of loony that shouts “Armageddon” at the first sign of trouble. We all know plenty of people who have cried wolf in the past.

Remember Charles Manson? How could you forget? He thought the Beatles were the four horsemen of the apocalypse prophesied in the Book of Revelations. We can all understand the mistake. There were four of them, they had long hair, they wrote a song called “Revolution 9,” which looks like Revelation 9. Chuck had some pretty strong signs. He carved a swastika into his head, but the bottom line is that some people believed him.

He also wrote some great Beach Boys songs before he went loony. Which just goes to prove the old saying: “Crazy bearded prophets of doom write the catchiest pop harmonies.”

Plenty of other people have wrongly thought the end was near.

Remember the “Terminator” movies?

Weekly World News mainstay Nostradamus predicted the world would end a few weeks ago. I heard it on the evening news one night and freaked out. I called everyone I knew, made peace with my enemies, closed out my bank accounts — and for what?

My roommates and I spent the entire day out on our porch with a case of beer waiting for “the big one,” but it never came. I made peace with my enemies for nothing, especially that bastard Louie.

Maybe I’ve exaggerated my point here, but I want you to understand I would not have come to this decision without some clear-cut signs from the Almighty.

First and foremost, it’s 60 degrees in Iowa in freaking December!

I’ve spent most of my life in Iowa, and damn hell if I ever remember it being this hot. Why aren’t all the Biblical scholars taking note? They thought a burning bush was a sign from God. I’ve got a sign for you — it’s 60 degrees in Iowa in freaking December!

Don’t give me your petty excuses. “Oh Ben, blah blah global warming blah blah.” Wake up and smell the burning flesh of the undead; we are standing at the precipice of Hell.

You want some more examples? I’ll have you know that I had very little trouble getting into the classes I wanted this semester. That’s not just unusual, we’re talking Biblical proportions on this one.

It’s as if every time the touch tone guy confirmed my registration, he was actually saying “Ben, the apocalypse is here, remember to press the pound key.”

Incidentally, a certain Mr. Bruce Springsteen recently released a box set of unreleased material covering his entire career. Now, I’m no theologian, but I happen to know that the Boss works as a channel for the Almighty, and the message is clear: repent, sinners.

I’m sorry to say I don’t know how our end will come. It may be fast, or it may be a slow. Personally, I’m hoping we meet our end like a summer blockbuster, with a lot of explosions and a bitchin’ soundtrack.

I happen to agree with Neil Young: “It’s better to burn out than to fade away.”

I can’t give you an exact day, but for argument’s sake, let’s just say it’ll be today.

How are you spending your last day on earth? Worrying about those last-minute projects? Got some finals getting you down? Hell with ’em.

Do something useful with your day. Tell off your boss or your professor, or even just a guy named Dan.

Call up that pretty girl from your English class. Sure, she’s probably got a boyfriend, but there’s no time for logic at the zero hour.

It’s our last chance to make our mark as the human race. Springsteen knew it, and it’s high time we all knew it too.

I’m releasing a career retrospective myself, recorded on a “My First Sony” and dubbed on Maxell low-bias tapes at my home.

I encourage everyone reading this to follow my lead, write off the rest of this semester and give in to temptations.

I apologize in advance if I’m wrong about this whole “Armageddon” thing.

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Ben Godar is a junior in sociology from unseasonably warm Ames.