Unsolicited advice is a sign of hostility. With that in mind, here is some advice about the workplace you didn’t ask for.

Some of you are dangerously close to graduation, and unless you are going to be working for one of the few industries that actually kisses the butts of its employees, you had better be prepared for a few harsh realities.

First off, ISU is Candy Land compared to “out there.” The real world is like a David Lynch movie where evil lurks just below a shallow veneer of friendliness.

You can turn the corner into the coffee nook and WHAM! There’s your girlfriend bent over the pastry cart with your supervisor doing things with a bear claw that would make Gentle Ben blush or take Clint Howard’s head off with one swift blow.

Your parents tried to tell you. Remember when you would beg to go to Adventureland or for that Mad Magazine subscription? Just to shut you up they would promise you anything.

They would always leave a “we’ll see” loophole in the verbal agreement so they could change their minds later. When you would piss and moan about how unfair it was, they would tell you that life isn’t fair.

You should have listened. If not getting that pony was the worst humiliation you ever go through, you will be lucky. If your parents had tried to solicit sexual favors from you in exchange for that pony, THAT would be more like real life.

College is like the high school after high school: a four or five year moratorium on ass-kickings before the big boot of injustice slams into the welt-covered cheeks of your life.

Some of you just can’t wait to get out there and start earning the big bucks and getting on with your lives. No amount of forewarning is going to dissuade you, but at least half of you will seriously reconsider going to grad school once you get out there.

You know those fraternity boys you’ve been complaining about for four years? You will be lucky to get one of them for an employer. In my time in the real world I had worse.

My favorite example was a defrocked priest who was the general manager of a telemarketing firm I worked for briefly. He was so evil he was actually tossed out of the Catholic Church for conduct unbecoming a priest. That’s pretty bad.

He beat up a few choir boys, slept with a few parishioners and squandered the entire supply of communion wine for the tri-state area before they decided his real talent was in management.

This guy went through so many secretaries he had a temp agency on emergency standby until they ran out of victims. He regularly made grown men cry, and at the Christmas party he took great pleasure in humiliating anyone who came near him. Upper management loved him; he was one of the boys.

Your best defense will be knowledge. Get to know labor law. The Department of Labor is devoted to taking your side. Take notes of everything your employer does. It’s OK if you feel like a sneaky little weasel; it’s better than feeling like a fired little weasel.

Those movies where the guy shows a little moxie and gets promoted are crap. Stand up for yourself and you will be slapped down hard. The whole point of stabbing someone in the back is so they can’t see your face.

Squirrel that information away. Times, dates, expressions. They love detail at the Department of Labor. I never go into a work environment without a positive attitude and a notebook for every infraction I see.

Don’t think turning a blind eye while your boss violates labor laws will get you rewarded. It will only make you an accessory while your co-workers take notes on what YOU did.

Trust no one. People are weak, especially the nice ones. If they aren’t planning on doing you out of spite, they will do you because they are afraid of their boss. Pity these weak freaks, but screw them nonetheless. Your sense of decency and the warm feelings you have for your fellow man will not pay your bills or keep you warm when you are ousted for a bad attitude or thought crimes, Winston Smith.

Are you disabled? Well, now is the time to think about what kind of disability you can live with and acquiring it. The Americans with Disabilities Act is a wonderful way to make sure you take no crap in the workplace. Remember: Equal opportunity means never having to say you’re sorry.

Mental disorders are real winners. You have a hell of a time disproving them, and if you get a diagnosis you could be sitting in the fabled catbird’s seat.

Tourrette’s syndrome will give you the kind of First Amendment protection you just can’t get from the Constitution these days. Imagine the freedom and unbridled joy you could experience shouting “JACKASS!” every time your boss walks by. What’s he going to do about it? Jack squat and Jack’s left town, that’s what.

Do yourself a favor and assume your boss is evil from the start — it will save a lot of time. Chances are he got where he’s at by being a Machiavellian prick.

Read Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War.” It will tell you everything you need to know about workplace politics and how to come out on top because the parallels between ancient Chinese warfare and modern American corporations are endless.

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Greg Jerrett is a graduate student in English from Council Bluffs. He is opinion editor of the Daily.