While I was lining Bambi up in my sights this Thanksgiving break, I reached a startling conclusion: I’m going to be rich.

It was definitely this thought and not a lack of firearm prowess that resulted in my failure to “terminate with extreme prejudice” the cute little deer.

You see, as I drove up to nowhere North Dakota, the technological backwardness of the state prevented me from listening to anything but AM radio.

Now, I could have listened to the “Seven Signs of Evil” countdown on one of many religious stations, but I instead chose to listen to the news and become a “Man of the World.”

And it was because of National Public Radio that I first heard about a plan by several large cities to sue gunmakers for funds spent as a result of the widespread proliferation of all types of firearms.

The cities maintain that guns are responsible not only for the damage they do during a crime, but also the indirect costs including hospital bills and the need to hire more police officers to patrol our crime-ridden streets.

This entire situation stems from the huge tobacco settlement we had recently, where every state sued the major corporations for all the damage done by cigarette smoking.

Now, I know people getting cancer and dying is a horrible thing. But if you’re too stupid to figure out that sticking a burning piece of paper in your mouth and sucking on the smoke is bad for you, tough shit.

You don’t need a degree in chemistry to figure out that something that sends you into convulsions with wracking coughs is bad for you, just like I don’t need to experience a Louisville slugger to the head to know it’s going to hurt.

Do I even need to point out that one of the ingredients listed on the package, which can be read by anyone with a second-grade education, is tar?

That stuff killed off woolly mammoths by the thousands, so it’ll sure as hell make short work of you!

Anyway, the precedent this has set is that even if people know something is bad for them but do it anyway because they are stupid, the manufacturer is liable. Great. Just when I thought social Darwinism was going to work, lawyers come to the rescue.

But this is OK, because as the old saying goes: if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

So I’ve decided to become a lawyer, and a really sleazy one at that. But an ambulance chaser does not a Bill Gates make, so I came up with a plan based on everything I’ve just told you.

I’m going to sue McDonald’s for everything they’ve got, including Ronald’s red wig.

Using the tobacco and gun lawsuits as a basis, I have decided to file a class-action lawsuit against McDonald’s on behalf of every American who has suffered some ill effect as a result of purchasing his or her food. And unlike most of my half-baked plans, this one is fully baked and not deep-fat fried.

Since we both know that everything they sell has to be bad for you, I will be able to confidently argue that McDonald’s has knowingly sold unhealthy food that has contributed to the growing waistline of America. And we both know the jury will buy it because juries are made up of saps.

So I’ll be able to sue for every health cost associated with the company’s food, from high cholesterol to every bypass surgery performed by doctors across the nation.

But going beyond that, I’ll sue for the loss of work hours that were wasted in those supposed fast-food order lines.

And I will definitely recoup your losses for every time you had to buy new clothes when the old one became just a bit too small.

The jury would only have to look at their own bulging guts to find McDonald’s at fault.

And if they need more convincing, I can have Ross Perot dig up some flip charts and graphs showing how laboratory mice learned to speak and drive just so they could go through the drive-thru.

McDonald’s is only the tip of the iceberg, however. After I have taken all their money — I mean, protected the public good — I may have to go after every other company that has in some way caused bodily harm to the American people.

On behalf of stupid people everywhere, I’ll sue large corporations for damages incurred by your own stupidity and take a small percentage of the settlement for myself.

I bet Coca-Cola and Frito Lay have deep pockets.

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Aaron Woell is a junior in political science from Bolingbrook, Ill.