Politics schmolitics. Up until last week, I thought Vilsack was an anti-depressant and Lightfoot was a gym shoe.

Unless it involves a sex scandal or a pro wrestler (or both), government simply bores me.

I used to only admire Minnesotans for their broomball skills and the way they said “boat,” but now I respect them for having the coolest governor ever.

Seeing as how there has always been a rivalry between Iowa and Minnesota (didn’t their former governor say Iowa sucked or something?), I think we need to retaliate by getting our own cool governor.

I put some thought into who this new leader should be and came up with an ideal candidate — Adam Sandler.

Sure, The Body eats pieces of shit like Sandler for breakfast, but who eats pieces of shit for breakfast?

Besides, Sandler’s shown in past characters that he’s got a lot to offer. Such as …

Intelligence.

“Billy passed the first grade; oh what a beautiful day. Billy passed the first grade, the Billy Madison way.”

Then Billy went on to pass every other grade and even win an academic decathlon. He went to school to learn.

Perseverance.

Happy Gilmore went from being the worst golfer on “the tour” to the best in one season. His refusal to give into the many distractions of a professional athlete will be invaluable in office.

Charm.

Robbie Hart may have been brutal as a wedding singer, but he was pretty on the inside, and Julia Goolia knew it.

A serenading duet with Billy Idol on an airplane — now that’s money.

Hard-working.

“I bought these pom-poms with my own money.”

Responsibility.

Billy Madison preached responsibility to children (and teachers).

“That little boy has got to think: You got a pet, you got a responsibility. If your dog gets lost, you don’t look for an hour and call it quits; you get your ass out there and find that fucking dog.”

Money management skills.

“Dollar twenty-five, pop.”

Honesty.

Robbie Hart was always willing to admit his faults.

“It’s obvious to everyone that me, fat boy down here, the lady with the sideburns and the mutants at table number nine have absolutely nothing to offer the opposite sex.”

Bravery.

Bobby Boucher is a 31-year-old waterboy who has never seen boobies, let alone tackled someone.

But after only one practice, he takes on several teams, breaking bones and records as they come. He even gives the Hawkeyes a beating. You have to respect that.

Creativity.

Sandler’s Halloween costume suggestions in a classic “Saturday Night Live” skit prove this asset.

“Hey, I’m Crazy Pickle Arm Man. Give me some candy.”

Poetic.

All of Sandler’s characters were poetic, but Happy was the best.

“How ’bout I go eat some hay? I can make things out of clay and lay by the bay … I just may. What do ya say?”

And finally … monogamy.

Billy Madison had his household’s intern constantly offering him kinky sex acts. But like a good government official should, he refused.

The price is wrong, Body.

Adam Sandler’s ’bout to open up a can of whoop ass.

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Corey Moss is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Urbandale.