Chasing bad guys on motorcycles. Climbing in and out of cars through the window. Talking cars. These were the staples of television when I was a little tyke. That old guy in the blue sweater who played with trolleys was pretty cool, too.

But the fat lady had sung for “CHiPs,” “The Dukes of Hazard” and “Knight Rider” long before I purchased my first talking car. I never really had a chance to appreciate the genius behind these shows.

Over the past few years, however, these programs have tried to make a quick buck by putting out reunion shows.

They get the cast back together for one last hoorah that attracts millions of nostalgic viewers and millions of nostalgic dollars.

In theory, it sounds like a great idea. Fans like me get to see their heroes again, and the actors get to spend a week or so away from the Betty Ford Clinic.

But a theory is just that: a theory. In theory I am going to graduate from here with an LAS degree some day, and somebody is going to pay me to do work for them that doesn’t include using a spatula or a squeegee. I guess sometimes our theories don’t quite work out as planned.

I mention this because last week TNT aired “CHiPs 99,” a reunion of the best TV show about two highway patrolmen on motorcycles ever made.

All of the major players from the original show were there: Ponch, Ponch’s partner, Ponch’s boss, people who knew Ponch. It was fun to see all these guys again and reminisce about the days of old, but this updated version of “CHiPs” was such a letdown from the original.

Sure, the plot was bad. The plots in all the original “CHiPs” sucked too, but the show was still great. No, the problem was with the actors.

Ponch 99 was not the same hip patrolman of old. Actually, he was more like my dad. And trust me folks, for a show that is supposed to be about cool guys on motorcycles, that isn’t a good thing. It almost brought a tear to my eye to see the demise of my idol.

The “Dukes of Hazard” reunion show suffered from the same fate. When it was aired in 1997, it was supposed to be a momentous event for my friends and me. For a week I slid across the hood of my Tercel and climbed in and out through the window in anticipation.

After seeing the show, however, my buddies and I were all a little disappointed. Seeing the Duke clan in their 40s and 50s ruined the image that our heroes were immortal. (The fact that Boss Hog was dead didn’t help much, either).

Watching 40-year-olds wrecking cars and hitting on their cousin just didn’t have the same appeal as it did when they were young. And Daisy Duke definitely wasn’t the same Daisy we all knew and loved (for her intellect, of course).

Even so, the guys and I still felt bad for poor Enos when Daisy ditched him at the altar, proving that nice guys never score. But that’s another story.

The point is that we all hate to see our heroes get old. Perhaps the producers of “Knight Rider” knew this when they created “Knight Rider 2000,” a spin-off show based loosely on the original.

“Knight Rider 2000” was a completely new show with a new cast and even a new car.

But this show was so pathetic that any insults I give it could only make it sound better than it really was.

I just know that David Hasselhoff was too busy making “Baywatch” to get involved with it.

Speaking of “Baywatch,” can you imagine what kind of reunion show it might have?

It’d be just a bunch of old ladies in bikinis hobbling around like hunchbacks (because there boobs have done permanent spinal cord damage) giving kids mouth-to-mouth. Kind of sends shivers down the spine, doesn’t it?

And Mr. Hasselhoff will be around 90 by then. I’m sure he’ll still be trying to hit on teenage German girls. Ain’t nothing gonna ruin his game.

Yes, all through the TV industry, remakes of old shows are being made.

Whoopie Goldberg is back to bore audiences in the “New Hollywood Squares.”

Soon a new “Roller Derby” will be on the air.

I would have thought that by now someone could have found an original way for women to slap and pull each other’s hair.

But the fact of the matter is that reunion shows and remakes all suck.

There is no way to recapture the greatness of an old show. Attempting to do so can only damage our great image of the original.

The problem must be that there are no creative writers in Hollywood right now.

I guess all the truly great writers must be novelists or columnists for the Daily.

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Peter Borchers is a sophomore in advertising from Bloomington, Minn.