As I was scrolling through my TCI cable connection yesterday, I realized my selections were limited.

TCI has channels for almost every type of movie and television viewer. There’s ESPN for the sports fan, MTV for the music enthusiast, Fox for the action/suspense sitcom lover and ABC and CBS for the family oriented.

If you like news, you can watch CNN. If you are into animals, you can watch Discovery.

But something is missing. One type of television fan has been forgotten.

What about those of us who love pornography?

There is nothing to satisfy my pornographic needs. Why has the porno-lover been forgotten? Isn’t our money good in America?

We, the porno-lovers, will spend lots of money for a good skin flick. I want some porn in Ames, baby. I’m talking XXX, not this late-night B-flick stuff.

I want the real deal. I want the most disgusting down and dirty sex I can view. I want chains, whips, leather and lace. I want to see sex with bisexuals, tri-sexuals, animal lovers, clowns, nurses, nuns, school teachers and trailer trash.

But my needs go on unnoticed.

So I would like to take this opportunity to give TCI cable 10 good reasons to add American Triple Exxxtacy, or any other porno channel, to its current channel selection.

No. 10. Money!

TCI will make so much more money if they start selling porn. Everyone likes sex. Sure, some of you out there won’t admit you’re a porno fan, but in the privacy of your own home, I’d bet you lock the doors and close the shades.

No 9. For my own masturbation purposes.

My video selection is getting old, ya know? Even Pamela Anderson is starting to tame the lion.

No 8. Adding a porno channel would be “politically correct.”

You have to satisfy all viewers. It’s always best to be “PC.”

No 7. Porno is a motivational tool for males and females.

Watch some good porn before you hit the bar and you will be driven to find that sexual match. Hey, it works for me, so I know it can work for you.

No. 6. Porno movies always have the best plots.

Sure, they may be hard to pay attention to with all the screwing going on, but an awesome plot is always there.

For instance, in “Lawnmower Manchild,” Peter North mows lawns for sex instead of money. That is sacrifice, baby. Giving up your daily bread to satisfy another. It brought a tear to my eye. It was a very emotional time for me.

No. 5. I like a little sex with my Icehouse.

No. 4. Porno is great for incoming freshman to view.

Why? Because it’s such a great bonding tool. Come on guys. You’ve all sat around smoking weed, watching some porn, talking about how you would love to be a porno star.

It’s those intimate moments that will secure a lifelong friendship. I don’t know if women do the same, but if they’re not watching porn, they should be.

No. 3. Pornography would be the perfect desert after a full plate of WWF professional wrestling.

As my boy Diamond Dallas Page would say, “You will feel the bang.”

No. 2. Educational purposes in the nuclear home.

Your child no longer has to listen to you fumble around about the birds and the bees. This way, your child can see what goes on in the bedroom.

Honesty is the best policy, right?

No. 1. Sexist bigots need love too!

Thanks ya’ll. Try not to catch a bad one today.

We’ll talk later.

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Chad Calek is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Persia.