Hello again readers, Benjamin Studenski here. The fumes from the meth lab next-door have made me extremely light-headed. It’s gotten so bad that I have begun to believe things that Bill Clinton says.

Naturally, I’m unable to write my column in this condition, so I’ve called in a guest-columnist.

My old guest-columnist, Lorena Madonna Chavez of the Outraged Student Organization, has graduated, but I’ve chosen a physician named Annie Lingus to replace her.

I hope to be better by next week. In the meantime, please be nice to the substitute.

Hello young people! I am delighted to have the opportunity to speak to you today! My name is Dr. Annie Lingus, and I am reaching out to college students in my effort to help women.

I operate the Happy Lamb Women’s Health Clinic in Iowa City. As a health care provider, I am often asked, “Dr. Lingus, what is the biggest threat to women’s health in the 1990s?” My answer is invariably, “children!”

At Happy Lamb, we are leaders in eliminating threats to women’s health. Inside our modern facility, we push the envelope of medical science and constitutional law.

Today, our clinic in the heartland protects the health of women against ever-growing threats. Our advanced procedures make Happy Lamb the clinic of choice for post-birth abortions.

It has long been known that human life begins many months after birth, at the time a post-birth fetus is weaned from its mother’s milk and becomes a baby. Cultures around the world have recognized this for thousands of years.

Post-birth abortions were once performed by a mother abandoning a post-birth fetus on a remote hillside where it would expire. Learned scholars of classical civilizations have confirmed this. But this type of abortion clearly was a barbaric practice.

After all, the woman could get lost on the way back from the remote hillside, or even be caught in bad weather! Fortunately, women are protected from such dangers today by the existence of clinics such as Happy Lamb.

Like Galileo before us, our clinic has come under fire from religious zealots. These born-again-bigots claim that life begins BEFORE weaning! Now, nobody cares about children more than the health care providers in our clinic, so we certainly take exception to that claim.

When do these bible-thumpers think life begins? At birth? Perhaps someone should let them know that “the miracle of birth” is just an expression.

The pre-birth fetus before delivery is physically no different than the post-birth fetus after delivery.

It is transported during birth, not transformed. Perhaps these fanatics are confusing birth with the water-into-wine story in their little book! No, life does not begin at birth, and everyone knows it doesn’t begin before birth.

What these hateful opponents of women’s health fail to mention are the positive aspects of post-birth abortion.

For example, the mother is not present when the post-birth fetus is surgically sectioned, reducing her self-esteem loss by 38 percent during the procedure.

Also, greater bio-matter is available for medical research, much of which will help women, minorities and families with non-traditional structures.

You can help defeat the enemies of women’s health. I want you to call your U.S. Senator and encourage him to vote against overriding Clinton’s veto of the “Please Don’t Cut Those Babies Into Little Pieces Act.”

This act is supported by people you don’t like (such as Dan Quayle) and is designed to hurt women.

Call Senator Harkin and thank him for his early support of women’s health way back when even partial-birth abortion was controversial. Tell him to support post-birth abortion as well.

If it stops even one woman from getting lost on the way back from a remote hillside, it is well worth it.

Tell Harkin that the future health of women is at stake. Tell Harkin to uphold Clinton’s veto for the next generation of women now growing up. Tell Harkin to do it for the children.