Nineteen ninety-nine is just around the corner which means it’s prediction time for Mr. Sensitive.

Many more foretellings for 1999 will come, but for today we will discuss the motion picture industry.

We’re talking sequels, baby. Not just regurgitated crap either. We’re talking quality flicks loosely based upon previous movie titles and themes.

So here are the Calek Top 10 Sequels of 1999:

No. 10. “The Real Titanic.” Kate Winslet will play a woman who drowns in a swimming pool.

No. 9. “Another Top Gun.” Tom Cruise will play a deer hunter that mistakes his partner, Duck, for Bambi and blows his brains out of his ass.

After swearing to never hunt again, Cruise returns to the forest only to find that he still has what it takes to kill a defenseless animal.

No. 8. “Die Hardest.” Bruce Willis finally gets killed by terrorists in a violent car-jacking incident. Thank friggin’ God!

No. 7. “A Few Good Women.” The Iowa State Committee on Women receives an award for its efforts to support the feminist movement.

Only, after the award is given, it is revealed that several members of the committee have been performing code reds on each other.

After a long drawn out investigation of the code reds, the committee will be stripped of its award and forced to disband immediately.

No. 6. “He ‘Kind of’ Got Game.” Spike Lee follows up his smash hit movie with a documentary on the struggles of a young retarded basketball player.

I know, I know. That’s soooo wrong. Oh well, if you can’t laugh at retarded kids, who can you laugh at?

No. 5. “Lawnmower Manchild Part Two.” Peter North is back mowing lawns for sex, but this time he has competition. Jack MeHoff has his own lawn service and is threatening to take over North’s block.

Who wins? The women do! That’s the beauty of it.

No. 4. “Mission Extremely Impossible.” Tom Cruise plays Todd Bandhauer in a film about ISU’s quest for a winning season. Enough said.

Sorry guys, but it’s a funny joke. You know I love ya!

No. 3. “City of Prophecies.” Nicholas Cage returns to the screen in his human form, only to find out that he now has a supernatural being that is fixing to give up immortality just to be able to have sex with him.

Who may that supernatural being be? You guessed it. Lucifer, played by Christopher Walken, will ravage Cage in the most violent manner. The price of a good lay is ridiculous these days.

No. 2. “G.I. Joe vs. G.I. Jane.” Demi Moore gets her ass whipped by Jesse “The Body” Ventura at boot camp.

No. 1. “Strange Brew Two.” This film will star Mr. Sensitive himself. After sitting around on my fat ass all day, drinking Icehouse and watching porn, I will realize that I’m just an angry young man crying out for help.

When I realize that nobody hears my cries, I drink more Icehouse and watch more porn. This movie will without a doubt be the highest grossing movie of all time.

Now, I don’t know for sure if any of these movies will actually come to life, but as we all know, I’m usually right about everything I say.

So in the mean time, stick and move, never let them get a good grip and always remember that running makes you tired.

We’ll talk later.

---

Chad Calek is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Persia.