I must admit to being at a loss as to how to describe the situation in Kosovo. On one side you have a city with the population of Ames demanding to be a free country, and on the other side a government so fed up with its populace that it has decided it is just easier to kill them and start from scratch.

The place is so screwed up and the situation so complex that most politicians don’t know what to do with the warring factions. There is one thing that they do know: They don’t get along.

The truth is that the two sides hate each other.

They’ve always hated each other, and the only time they stopped trying to kill one another was when they lived under an oppressive communist regime during the Cold War. In that instance, instead of pulling together to fight a common foe, they cowered in fear of what the government would do to them.

Until Yugoslavia buckled under the threat of NATO bombing the country back into the Bronze Age, there was a plan that our top policy makers had formulated in the event we actually had to put the smack down.

After bombing everything of military importance, the United States would deploy 55,000 troops to enforce the peace. Those troops would remain there until a lasting peace was established, which would likely never happen.

Yet, the NATO plan is the best option our leaders currently have. If we did not act, we could only stand by and allow more atrocities to be committed.

However, after watching the evening news and seeing the bodies of massacred children, one can understand how we feel compelled to act.

Unfortunately, current examples of similar situations show that peace is a highly unlikely event.

The Irish have been fighting the British for a very long time with not a whole lot to show for it, and both sides in the Middle East have demonstrated their ineptitude at killing their opponents off.

Instead, they seem content to fight it out like they have for the past 2,000 years.

So permit me to say that the current NATO plan, while the best one on the table, is inadequate.

In plain English, it just won’t work.

What we need is a final decision, something that, after it happens, both sides can say they gave it their best and live with the consequences.

While some of my more Darwinistic friends may advocate just letting both sides fight it out, that’s exactly what the two sides have been doing in that region for the past eight years.

I think what we need is a real-life “Celebrity Deathmatch.” Of course, neither side will have a celebrity because we don’t pay attention to people with unpronounceable names. But still, hand-to-hand combat to the death.

Why to the death?

Well, when you’re fighting for the lives of your countrymen, I doubt anyone is going to want an opponent tapping out. The fans would be disappointed, and you’d never want to go home.

Just think of it as a fundraiser for the U.N. We could sell tickets and promote tourism of all the famous mass graves, and the television networks would pay lucrative amounts for the broadcasting rights. It could be done live on Pay-per-View!

All we’d need is someone to promote it, and I know just the man: Don King.

Hey, boxing would be small change compared to this! Who would want to pay to watch Mike Tyson bite some guy’s ears off when we can watch two opponents fight to the death?

Even if the fight ends in the first 30 seconds, I doubt anybody would complain about not getting his or her money’s worth.

All we need is for the two sides to hammer out an agreement where if Kosovo wins they get to be an independent nation, and if Yugoslavia wins they get to keep Kosovo but promise not to kill any more people.

It seems simple enough: Find a compromise that is somewhat palatable to both parties. And you know that both sides would be dumb enough to think they’d win and would agree to anything.

The Kosovites would probably agree to perpetual slavery if they lost, and Yugoslavia would in exchange offer them foreign aid if the Kosovo fighter won. It would definitely suck to be the loser, but on the bright side, innocent civilians would no longer be killed, and you’d have a final solution.

In fact, the only casualty would be the losing combatant, though I’m sure the winning side would be gracious enough to build a shrine in his memory. They could even use that bronze statue from the third Rocky movie.

The point is, I don’t know what to do. Nobody does. We only have partial solutions, and every one of them will cost American lives. Until somebody comes up with something better, though, I’m placing my bets on “Celebrity Deathmatch.”

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Aaron Woell is a junior in political science from Bolingbrook, Ill.