Oh, Canada, something, something, yada, yada, something

Marty Forth

I have lived in the United States for just over a year now, and I am daily asked the question, “Are there any differences between Canada and the United States?” My response is always a resounding YES.

Canada, to the surprise of many Americans, is not the 51st state. Though many of you might like to naively believe it, Canadians are not servants to the self-proclaimed world superpower, America.

So, understanding that my columns should be informative yet entertaining, I have decided to impart to you readers the more unpronounced differences between Canada and USA.

First and foremost, I have to dispel the misconception that the movie “Strange Brew” is an accurate depiction of life in Canada. “Strange Brew” is about as accurate in depicting Canada as “Animal House” is in depicting the true lifestyles of fraternity boys. Granted, there is a copy of “Strange Brew” in every fraternity house, but no other correlation exists.

Our country is not filled with out- of-work alcoholics who spend their days trying to trick beer companies into giving them free cases or calling each other hoser and finishing every sentence with “Eh!”

To set the record straight, Canadians do not have accents — Americans do! As Canadians, we pronounce the entire word, including all the letters.

For example, the word “sorry” is written and thus should be pronounced with an “o” sound, not “SAW-RRY” as many Americans do. I won’t even attempt to explain or understand the canine pronunciation of the word “roof.”

More than anything, what stumped me most when I moved to America were the differences in word choice or diction. To anyone who has heard of the band The Barenaked Ladies and their song “If I Had a Million Dollars,” you know that Canadians refer to Mac and Cheese as Kraft Dinner, because that is what it is. Even the boxes in Canada say Kraft Dinner.

Others differences also include: Canadian Whiskey is called rye, Corn Dogs are called Pogo Sticks, and what you call Canadian bacon is really just ham, with a fancy title so that pizza companies can charge you more.

Baseball is really not America’s National pastime. If you think it is, I’ve got three words for you: Toronto Blue Jays. They even won the world series two times in a row to prove that we really could take it away from you if we wanted.

To dispel another misconception, not all Canadians have the genetic ability to play hockey. Granted, we kick ass at it, proven with 71 percent of the players in the NHL being Canadian, but not all of us are able to strap on a pair and pull off what Gretsky does.

I mean, can you really picture Celine Dion or Shania Twain (both Canadians) in all the pads and a jock, checking people into the walls?

Speaking of sports, I will give you football. I often blush and hang my head in shame at the mention of the Canadian Football League. The CFL is in no way on any level with the NFL. Even with the variations in field and ball size, we do not get anywhere close to Americans.

There is another bonus to living in the land to the North that many college students are envious of. Our drinking age is 18, or 19 depending on the province. It is our government’s belief that if you are old enough to vote, volunteer (there is no draft in Canada) to fight in a war, get a credit card or attend university, you are old enough to be legally entitled to throw back a cold beer.

Of course, it will cost you more. I almost became an alcoholic when I moved to Iowa. To purchase a keg in Canada, it will cost you around $150 plus deposit. Upon entering the Keg shop for the first time and seeing that you could get a keg for $40, I began weeping like a small child. Of course, kegs are not allowed where I live, therefore I settled for drinking a forty out of a paper bag — also a very original American pastime. Granted, our beer actually has an alcohol content of +5 percent and you don’t get the runs from it, but I guess that’s the price we pay.

This will come as a really big surprise to many Americans, but Canada does have an armed forces, we simply do not feel the need to blow everyone up all the time. If you read the most recent “Farmers Almanac,” it is clearly stated why this is so. Seventy-two percent of Canadians feel that they have enough sex, while only 43 percent of Americans feel the same. We’re lovers, not fighters.

Differences exist between the two countries, however; that is the joy of being neighbors. I relish in the differences between what is now my home and my native country.

Maybe next week I’ll tell you about the French in Canada and why they call it the French Kiss, or why we really have what looks like a maple leaf on our flag.


Marty Forth is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Waterdown, Ontario.