I am not Conor Bezane. Since Thursday night, when Birdstuff of the futuristic space surf band Man or Astro-man? spoke with me, I have been an alpha clone, genetically coded to think, act, speak and even write this story just like he would.

My name is Ronoc Enazeb, and this is the story of what happened to the assistant Arts and Entertainment editor you knew as Conor Bezane.

He came home from the Daily office around 8:30 p.m. Thursday with plans to attend the Tripping Daisy show at The M-Shop. The enticing red light blinked on the answering machine, beckoning him to push it and see who had called. He pushed it.

It was Man or Astro-man?’s publicist from Touch and Go Records. His interview with the band would take place that night.

And after an hour-long chat with Birdstuff, he would be changed forever.

The topic of the conversation seemed innocent. Genetic cloning, the letter “K,” the “Ken doll concept” and a bad ’80s sitcom filmed in Des Moines … all harmless, right? Wrong.

I am an exact facsimile of Conor, but I am not human. Through new genetic technology, I have taken on an appearance and a knowledge receptacle just like Conor’s, but I am an Astro-man.

What Conor doesn’t know is that I have been programmed by Birdstuff to write this story exactly as the initial batch of Man or Astro-man? wants it. After all, I am an Astro-man, and I can’t help my desire to broadcast our species’ superiority.

I stole Conor’s notes, and I have every intention of breaking the rules of journalism to further our own mission.

Man or Astro-man? is really controlling this information transmission. This story is biased. But it is biased for a good reason. If you earthlings do not hear the music and message of Man or Astro-man?, you will die.

If humans heard Man or Astro-man’s 21st century music, they would immediately explode. This transmission is a fair warning.

Man or Astro-man?’s Web site clearly explains the purpose of the band’s music.

“Only by exposing the entire population of the Earth to intermediary sonic structures can we, as Man or Astro-man?, stop harmonic trauma from killing the entire human race,” it says.

Through a new cloning technique, Man or Astro-man? has been mass produced in order to reach the human race.

The Man or Astro-man? initial batch, along with the alpha clones (male) and the gamma clones (female), launched a U.S. tour this past August to save the world from future sonic destruction.

The alpha clones are descending on Des Moines tonight at 7 at the Safari Club. The Delstars and The Exotics open, and tickets are $8.

But the government has made every effort to silence the message of Man or Astro-man?.

“The government has been trying to basically deny that we even exist,” Birdstuff said. “Why else could we not be on the cover of Rolling Stone? It’s gotta be government intervention.”

Man or Astro-man? is a victim of the “Ken doll concept” — not anatomically correct, meaning Astro-men are unable to reproduce while on planet earth. That is why Birdstuff and his cohorts developed the scientific breakthrough of cloning.

“The First batch is a genetic copy of the original band,” Birdstuff explained. “The clones are already internally, genetically coded to recreate Man or Astro-man? music.”

Contrary to popular opinion, Man or Astro-man? was responsible for the cloning of Dolly the sheep.

The alpha clones were the Man or Astro-man’s first attempt at cloning men.

The alpha clones play music from “Experiment Zero,” “Project Infinity” and Astro-man’s latest release, “Made from Technetium.”

“The alphas are fine performers but only a shadow of what the gamma clones are,” Birdstuff stressed. “Gamma clones look best, smell best and rock just as good as Man or Astro-man?.”

Gamma clones know the music from Astro-man albums “Is it Man … or Astro-man?,” “Your Weight on the Moon” and “Destroy All Astro-men.”

The alpha clones are made up of Birdstuff’s counterpart Dorkstuff on drums; Cocoid on bass, screams of pain and pleasure; Dexter Why on the rhythm guitar apparatus and violence; and Chromo Crunch on lead guitar.

Birdstuff messed up spelling out the lead guitarist’s name while speaking to Conor, spelling it “Chromo Crunkh.”

“I’m focusing on the letter ‘K,'” he gave as an excuse.

At this moment in the interview, Conor’s roommate Iain began whistling to a Beatles tune on his walkman.

Birdstuff warned that he does not like whistling, and he would send the alpha clones to retaliate against Iain.

That night, Conor awoke to the sound of Iain screaming “Stop strangling me!” The clones had tried to harm him in his sleep, but luckily they failed.

This episode clearly illustrates the scientific power of Astro-men to take control of humans and is the reason why not attending tonight’s show is unacceptable.

Birdstuff said he and the band have a unique connection with Des Moines because of cloning that has taken place there as well.

“Remember the show ‘Double Trouble’?” Birdstuff asked, referring to the cheezy ’80s sitcom filmed in Des Moines about two twins. “The preppy one was indeed a clone.”

To earthlings planning to attend tonight’s show, Birdstuff had some advice: “I suggest highly that you heckle the clones. They already have an inferiority complex. They are an exact decoding of our DNA, but they can’t help being version 2.0.”

At the show, astro-man genome packs will be sold so that anyone can create their own Man or Astro-man? clones.

Birdstuff demonstrated the mathematical equation of “Promotional = Free,” saying that he will see to it that Conor receives his own genome pack in order to have a clone band play “Blue Moon” at his wedding.

He also wanted to make sure Conor knew that the piece he would go on to write (the one I, Conor’s clone, am currently writing) will be the one which will win him the Pulitzer Prize.

Or maybe it’ll just be declared the strangest article ever written.

End information transmission.