I spent last night watching the movie “Titanic” for the second time. Mainly because when I first saw it in the theater, I wasn’t that impressed.

After the second viewing, I can now truly say that it sucks.

First off, Leo DiCaprio is a chump. Am I the only one in the world who can see that Leo is a no-talent hack? Does he read every line in the movie off a card? He sucks.

Secondly, they could have found somebody better than Kate Winslet to play a woman who is fought over by two men. I mean, come on. She’s a little thick around the middle, huh?

I personally would have chosen Cameron Diaz or Pamela Anderson. But what do I know? I’m just a sexist bigot.

Finally, the story is a played-out piece of crap. Oh, poor kid falls in love with rich girl with arranged marriage plans. It makes me want to puke all over myself.

I think I saw Leo play this role before. The movie was called “Romeo and Juliet.” The only difference was that he talked funny and neglected to hop on a big boat.

The special effects were great — I’ll give “Titanic” that.

But the special effects were also great in “Spawn,” and those of us who have seen “Spawn” know what kind of a hunk of trash that movie was.

It just pisses me off when I hear critics claiming that “Titanic” is the greatest movie of all time.

Come on. There have been hundreds of movies better than “Titanic.” I guess I’m forced to give you the Calek All-Time Top Ten Movie Awards.

Deal with this:

No. 10. A tie between all three of the “Naked Gun” movies. Three words for you: Orenthal James Simpson — quite possibly the greatest actor of our generation.

No. 9. “Strange Brew.” Rick Moranis, beer and marine hockey — quite possibly the greatest combination known to man.

No. 8. A tie between “Basic Instinct” and “Fatal Attraction.” Both movies are great thrillers with seriously sexy women gettin’ jiggy with it. If I could only be Michael Douglas for five minutes.

No. 7. “Pulp Fiction.” I need not even explain. If you haven’t seen this movie, you need to climb out of the hole in the ground.

No. 6. “A Few Good Men.” That’s right! Me and Tom Cruise, that’s all you women have left to choose from.

No. 5. “Boogie Nights.” This movie is about porn. And since I love graphic pornography, how could I go wrong? Very family oriented.

If you want to talk to your kids about the birds and the bees, but can’t stomach the courage, I suggest you use this movie as a learning tool.

No. 4. “Higher Learning.” Nobody can deny the performances of Busta Rhymes and Ice Cube in the over-glorified script of collegiate extremist groups.

Come on man, N.W.A. and the Flip Mode Squad? It’s a winner! Then toss in Tyra Banks and you have a real humdinger. Great soundtrack, too.

No. 3. “Good Will Hunting.” Matt Damon and Ben Affleck rule the modern movie making business. Combine their talents with Robin Williams and an extremely original storyline and you have a recipe for a classic.

Minnie Driver has a sexy accent too.

No. 2. “Dazed and Confused.” This movie has it all. Sexy women, tough guys, seniority, abuse of power, drugs, beer and all the shorty shorts you can handle.

No. 1. “Raising Arizona.” Nicholas Cage as H.I. McDunugh gives the performance of his life, never again to be matched.

So there you have it. Some more undeniable facts from the mouth of Mr. Sensitive himself.

Do me a favor and just chill today, OK. Peace.

We’ll talk later.

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Chad Calek is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Persia.