It doesn’t take long at Iowa State to learn that they really didn’t tell you the important things at orientation. Not that knowing the number of books in the library hasn’t thoroughly enhanced my experience at ISU, but it seems there are a few things they could tell you to make the transition easier.

Although I’m addressing this advice to new students, I realize there are many students who have been here for up to seven years that still haven’t figured it out.

For instance, where are the best bathrooms on campus? It took me several months of investigation to determine which places I should make my “home away from home.”

My advice is to frequent newer buildings. Older buildings tend to have one restroom, with one toilet, and all the comforts of an Alabama minimum security prison.

Another memo that I must have missed when I was a freshman was that they kick you out of the residence halls over breaks.

I remember it was around Thanksgiving time, I woke up one day with a custodian in my room. I searched the halls, but alas, all of my friends had gone. Luckily I had some bologna in my fridge, so me and my new friend celebrated the plentiful harvest together.

Here’s another suggestion they should at least offer up at Orientation. Stop wearing your high school football t-shirt.

Year after year I get tired of being reminded that Shellsburg-Dakota-Rolling-Hills-Happyville Football Rules! Maybe you guys “Burned the Boats,” or “Brought in the Thunder,” but I for one don’t care.

Another frequent breach in social etiquette that gets on my nerves happens in the dining halls.

Whenever someone drops their tray, some budding comic talent begins clapping. I hope guys like this hear the same mock enthusiasm directed at them right after they slip in the shower. Bad karma and such.

Now I probably sound like a bitter social critic, and maybe I am. But I realize that nobody wants to live in ignorance. Which reminds me of something else that pisses me off.

Why is it that in most of my classes the two non-traditional students and I are the only ones that ask any questions? I’ve been living under the delusion that some of the material may be on the test, but the walking GAP ad next to me is too busy looking good to care.

I don’t understand why people come to class to read the paper or make out. Personally, I can think of much better places to do both.

On the other hand maybe I’m missing out on some great pick up line. “Hey baby, whaddya say we head over to my Physics 222 lecture?” It makes your heart melt like warm butter.

Then there’s always the people that converse loudly about their drug and sexual exploits at the back of the lecture hall. Whenever I hear these kind of people I think “Gee, somebody’s going to be proud to bring you home to ma and pa.”

The thing that annoys me about all these people is that I skip class a lot. If I’m not in the mood to be involved in the class, I’ll go somewhere else.

It’s really a shame that being stupid is still so cool in many people’s minds. Now I admit, when I was about 15, I thought it was pretty funny to say “I didn’t do it,” any time a teacher asked me something.

Luckily, one day the clouds cleared and I realized that I was the commander of my own destiny.

It seems though that not everyone has had this epiphany.

About the saddest thing I hear around here is the people who complain about how trapped they are.

“Man, I can’t wait to get the hell out of Ames.” Well, why don’t you go, genius? I mean really, you’re perfectly capable of cutting the strings that are tying you down.

There are people who have caught a few bad breaks, and are caught in a circle of poverty. These people are truly trapped.

I’m sorry, but no matter how much you may think “there’s nothing to do in Ames,” you’re still pretty damn lucky to be here at all.

Yeah, there might not be any good bands here some weekend, but on the other hand, you’re parents haven’t died fighting in a 30 year civil war, have they?

In the words of my roommate, “sack up!” And if you really are feeling like you’re in a situation here that you can’t deal with, make a change.

The only thing more ridiculous than the number of opportunities available in this community is the number of people who don’t take advantage of them.

Honestly, a hack columnist like me wouldn’t have a forum like this just about anywhere else.

So I’m taking advantage of it.

Sure, I’ve been screwed by this school as many times as anyone else.

But I’m going to get my money’s worth out of this painted whore of a university.

I hope, if I ever decide that it’s not worth being here, I’ll go elsewhere; and I hope you’ll do the same.

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Ben Godar is a junior in sociology from Ames.