There is nothing more frustrating than getting sick while it is still summer. I, like many of you, got sicker than a dog this week. No need to point the finger of blame squarely at the assistant A&E editor who sits behind me, though. I’m sure it was avoidable.

But nothing helps you in your fight against illness like the dread fear of it. Paranoia can be your friend.

I am a huge wussy boy. I don’t get sick that often — but when I do, I am unbearable. My own mother can’t stand my foul, pathetic whining. I just turn into a toddler when I’m ill. It is truly, deeply sad. But I have come up with some very handy tips about coping. Well, the modern medical establishment came up with some of them; I am only trying to synthesize them for the general public in one handy source. Journalism at its best.

First of all, about vitamin C: Linus Pauling was WRONG. Oh, sure he’s a super-brained science brainiac with all the answers. One day he holds a press conference to say that he thinks vitamin C might help prevent or cure colds and WHAM, a major industry is born. The truth is that there are no obvious benefits from vitamin C as far as colds are concerned. It’s just that no one wants to hold a press conference to say THAT.

Last year zinc was all the rage. Frankly, I couldn’t stand the taste of these things. It was worse than chewing on tin foil or that nasty penny taste you get after receiving a nasty electric shock from trying to remove a bread jam from your toaster with a fork.

There is nothing worse than being sick unless it is putting something skanky in your mouth WHILE you are sick.

That is why chicken soup and orange juice seem to work so well. They are just really good comfort foods. And comfort food is the one thing you need when you are sick.

Your mommas can’t help you now, boys and girls. And food service, though tasty and filling, can hardly qualify as comfort food. Unless you were raised in an Army mess hall and sitting with several hundred of your closest friends while they make asses of themselves gives you some solace, go to the store.

Find your comfort menu items and load up on them. Personally, I like the flying buttress effect of ramen. The good Korean stuff like you get at Jung’s. The hot sauce at Battlecreek rocks. Hot chinese mustard will clear your sinuses faster than any nasal spray. Spicy food is a big help with the clogged nasal passages.

Remember: Hot and spicy foods are better than getting hooked on nasal spray. I can’t stress this strongly enough. You think it can’t happen to you? You’re WRONG, tough guy! First, you tell yourself you need it because you can’t breathe, and soon you’re up to three bottles a week and looking to score the good stuff on the street, but you don’t know what that stuff is cut with. Who you gonna call if you get a bad batch, the cops?

Here is one to remember: Drown that virus. Drink three liters of water every six hours if you can. This will keep you nice and moist so you don’t get too congested. Plus, all the extra trips to the bathroom will take your mind off of how crappy you feel. When nothing else seems to work, douse your system good. And don’t think other liquids will work like water. You want to clean your system, and pop is mostly syrup; that’s probably what got you into this trouble to begin with.

We have a saying where I come from. “Nyquil is better than hooch.” This is due largely to the fact that we couldn’t get anyone to buy for us in high school, and this stuff is 10 percent alcohol.

Maybe it isn’t a cure for the common cold, but a couple of teaspoons (and who stops with the recommended dosage anyway, am I right?) and you won’t care if you have a cold or miner’s lung. The major drawback to this is waking up in the morning only to find that during the night your pillow turned into a prop from “Ghostbusters.”

Most importantly, wash your hands. This sounds like common sense, but you would be surprised at how many people wash their hands only when scum is VISIBLE. Every doorknob on campus is a bacteria trap waiting to fell you like a Douglas Fir. Any surface you can touch is a breeding ground for evil, little microbes.

Take your desk. It looks nice and clean, doesn’t it? Ten minutes ago there was probably some sick citizen with no tissues draining all over it. And now there you sit, like a human sponge to soak up the mess.

And what about the computer labs? Forget about the occasional monkey-spank, what about those people who absent-mindedly pick their noses while reading their e-mail? They are the ones you REALLY need to watch for. I don’t know how most people operate on campus without carrying a bottle of disinfectant in their backpacks.

I always feel like Howard Hughes when I get sick. Maybe if I felt a little more like Howard Hughes BEFORE I got sick, I wouldn’t GET sick. So remember, carry a little, germaphobic millionaire inside your soul, and we can all get through cold and flu season together.

---

Greg Jerrett is a graduate student in English from Council Bluffs. He is the opinion editor of the Daily.