I don’t understand the “groupie” mentality. For those of you unfamiliar with the term “groupie,” it is a person who will sleep with a celebrity simply because of a celebrity’s status in society.

There are groupies in all aspects of the entertainment world. There are sports groupies, music groupies, movie groupies, and as Monica Lewinski proved, even political groupies.

I’d like to discuss music groupies.

What am I missing here?

Why would anyone have sex with someone because of his or her status in society?

I would hate to believe that there is a large group of people who have such a low self-worth they think they can gain personal achievement by screwing someone who has already been successful in life.

And I’m not buying the idea that a groupie would pump a celebrity just because he or she is so overblown by actually seeing a celebrity in real life rather than on television.

I’ve met celebrities — and in most cases — they are assholes.

I met Mancow a couple of times in the last year, and I’d have to say he may be the biggest jerk-off that ever lived. But he had nothing but a handful of rear and a mouthful of boob to show for it.

I’ve met all those punks in Stabbing Westward. You know what? They are all complete dorks. I guarantee you that not one of those geeks got laid until they formed that piece-of-trash band.

But nonetheless, after the group’s show in Des Moines last spring, they were ridin’ that train (if you get my drift).

With the exception of former House of Pain spinman DJ Lethal, the guys in Limp Bizkit are the rudest bunch of panties I’ve ever laid eyes on.

And guess what? When the group played at Supertoad last December, the guys had a line of snapper waiting to “play that game” (if you know what I mean).

Being in a band or the entertainment business has many benefits, and sex is definitely one of them.

I can’t say I don’t like sex as an added bonus, but sometimes a little inner reflection can bring about some unanswered questions.

I’ll admit, if I met Pamela Anderson and I had the chance to kick start her private parts, I definitely would. But not because she’s in movies or because she’s been in magazines.

I would put the wood to Pamela because and only because she is so friggin’ hot I can’t bear to see her on television or in Playboy without having to make a secret bathroom break to ease the tension.

I mean, when I got my hands on that Tommy Lee/Pamela porn tape, I was a mess. I sat there for days just cranking and … whoa, getting a little off track here.

My point is, I would hope that groupies are sleeping with performers because of their looks and the attractiveness of the hard work that goes into developing their abilities.

But with Blues Traveler Johnny Popper getting laid every night, it’s hard to believe that looks and abilities are prevailing over status.

We’ll talk later.

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Chad Calek is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Persia.