MTV recognizing videos makes about as much sense as the porn industry recognizing acting, yet the TV show-laden network continues to spend most of September each year doing so.

You have to give the Hanson-raising producers some credit. The 1998 MTV Video Music Awards summed up the past year of MTV perfectly — lame.

From the opening “Sixth Backstreet Boy” skit to the swinging closing performance by The Brian Setzer Orchestra, the show packed almost as much excitement as an episode of “Ally McBeal.”

First-time host Ben Stiller proved he can only be funny with his testicle stuck in his fly, as the “Something About Mary” star failed miserably to top last year’s Spice Girl-mocking Chris Rock.

Performances were lackluster, award acceptance speeches were too political and woman presenters wore way too much clothing.

But in honor of my homeboy Busta Rhymes, who always has something stupid to say, I present the second annual Moss Pit MTV Video Music Awards Awards.

Best cleavage: Whitney Houston. Her dress made me want to watch “The Bodyguard” again, and that’s saying something.

Worst cleavage: Courtney Love.

Strangest presenting couple: Mase and Jennifer Lopez. Rumor has it, she’s Puffy’s girl. The Bad Boy family must be closer than I thought.

Best dressed performer: Canibus. The LL-bashing up-and-comer took the stage with Wyclef and Pras painted silver, looking like the twisted son of Terminator and Tin Man.

Worst dressed performer: Marilyn Manson wins the highly competitive award for the second year in a row with an outfit revealing his ass, a decent-sized set of breasts and a “Barbie”-style crotch.

Best performance: Beastie Boys.

Worst performance: Wyclef playing guitar ties with the No Limit Soldiers and their replica of the Bad Boy crew’s routine from last year. Come on Master P, pass Snoop the mic.

Biggest bunch of crap: Madonna winning six awards for two stupid videos.

Biggest bunch of crap runner-up: Natalie Imbruglia winning Best New Artist for a crappy pop song she didn’t even write. At least Matchbox 20 write their own crappy pop songs.

Most disrespected band: The Backstreet Boys were the joke of the night from the beginning, but a five-minute Puffy skit with Stiller did not bring one laugh to the thousands in attendance. That’ll knock down the reigning King of Rap. But don’t worry — he’ll get up again.

Best one-liner: Beck telling presenting partner Tori Amos that he felt like making love to a drum machine. The genuine comedy came when he demonstrated what it would look like.

The Fartman award: Named after Howard Stern and presented to the artist who makes the biggest fool out of himself or herself, this coveted award goes to Stiller for stage diving.

He looked more comfortable with “gel” on his ear than he did with his life in the hands of the same people who hadn’t laughed at his lethargic jokes for three hours.

A close second was Kurt Loder for asking Puff Daddy after the show if he was worried about the possibility of Suge Knight being released from prison in the next month. Good timing there, buddy.

Most beautiful moment: Green Day winning its first award after 13 nominations. Frontman Billy Joe responded by cleverly sneaking in a middle finger during a thankful wave to the crowd, saying “Susan Lucci — eat your heart out.”

After the show, when asked if there was anyone he forgot to thank, Billy Joe curiously listed Princess Di, “E.R.” and George Clooney. Drummer Tre Cool topped any of Stiller’s antics by throwing his microphone down for a mad sprint to climb the Universal Studios globe.

And finally — a brand new award — The best thing to happen to the MTV Video Music Awards: No Jesse.

---

Corey Moss is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Urbandale.