We may have had only two weeks of classes so far, but I was sure due for a break. Having to get used to turning my dorm room key counterclockwise to open the door has been a real stressful transition for me. Plus, my butt is having a hard time adjusting back to that itchy, single-ply toilet paper.

Yes, I used our short Labor Day break to escape to the luxuries of Minnesota. But for some, it was a great opportunity to do those things they’ve been putting off for the past two weeks, like buying their textbooks or taking a shower.

But Labor Day was a free day, and I hope you found some way to have a little fun. Maybe you taught yourself how to juggle sharp metal objects, or possibly you just drank ’til the cows came home. (Hopefully you didn’t try both at the same time!)

I just hope none of you were silly enough to waste your time watching that silly “Titanic” movie again.

“‘Titanic’ is the best movie of all time!” you say. People, please. “Titanic” was a good movie, but it’s nothing to sell your soul for.

Yes, people actually waited in line to buy the movie at midnight, even though they knew there would still be 4,000 copies left the next day. The sad fact is, these are the same folks who also saw the movie 40 times in the theater. Ladies, I don’t mean to break your hearts, but Leonardo dies at the end of the movie no matter how many times you watch it.

So what is causing America’s obsession with “Titanic?” For guys, the answer is simple. They figure if they watch it enough times with their girl, she’ll think he’s “sensitive,” and thus she will reward him for his sensitivity with the performance of certain wild and passionate, um, “deeds.”

But women are much different. There are a number of factors that may be causing their insanity.

For one, women love to cry. Having two sisters, I know they love to cry — otherwise they wouldn’t be doing it all the time. This is why females love to go to emotional movies. It gives them a chance to do the one thing they enjoy more than crying by themselves, and that’s crying with a bunch of other women.

I have to admit “Titanic” is an emotional movie. I know we all cried a little when Rose decided not to jump off the back of the boat, and we all shared some good laughs as passengers fell hundreds of feet to their watery graves.

But is emotion alone enough to make a movie great? All movies have it. Who could forget the great final scene in “Terminator 2” when Arnold says, as only Arnold can, “I cannot self-terminate,” and the young boy is forced to lower his mechanical friend to its death? That is truly the definition of emotional drama, yet “T2” didn’t make a country go loony like “Titanic” has.

However, “Titanic” has one thing that “Terminator 2” does not: Mr. Leonardo DiCaprio. Women are absolutely doodle-brained over that scrawny little puke.

Sure, he has blond hair, blue eyes and a cute little baby face; all things that women desire, right? Well, I also have blond hair and blue eyes. And talk about a baby face. I was carded when I went to see the dang movie. So where’s my fan club? My mother says I’m very handsome.

Since we’ve determined that I look like Leonardo DiCaprio, maybe the secret to his popularity among women isn’t in his good looks, but his sexy name. I know “Pete” probably isn’t as sexy of a name as “Leonardo.” However, whenever I hear the name “Leonardo,” the first thing I think of is that fearsome foursome, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That’s gotta turn on the ladies.

I guess “Titanic” mania is just another case of people not being able to think for themselves. Somehow, a person’s level of “Titanic” obsession became a symbol of status. It’s the same reason the Spice Girls became popular.

It starts so simply. Susie tells Katie she’s seen “Titanic” three times. Katie then runs out and sees the movie four times and buys the movie poster and goes and tells Stacey. This makes Stacey run out and see the movie five times, buy the movie poster, a “Titanic” Trapper Keeper and commemorative china set and she runs and tells … well, I think you get the point.

Thankfully, with the video being released, the craziness will soon be over. And, at least, we only have to live through “Titanic” mania once. I mean, the boat sank, Leo’s dead; there’s no possible way they could make a sequel, right?

Unless…

“Coming soon to theaters, it’s ‘Titanic II’: the romantic tragedy of two rare stingrays from different socioeconomic backgrounds who find love at the bottom of the Atlantic, only to be crushed to death by the sinking Titanic.”

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Peter Borchers is a sophomore in advertising from Bloomington, Minnesota.