Ancient Egyptian women were the first to figure out that crocodile crap made for a good spermicide. I would have loved to have been there when THAT one was discovered.

Concrete was invented by the Romans nearly 2,000 years ago, but the recipe was lost for nearly 1500.

By boiling huge vats of urine, the ancient Chinese invented hormone pills.

Egyptian construction workers would strike if their make-up rations were cut.

And contrary to popular Lonestar beliefs, barbecue was NOT invented in Texas, and hallways were only invented about 200 years ago.

As surprising as it may sound, I was watching a documentary called “Ancient Inventions” (which is where all this info comes from) with Terry Jones of Monty Python fame. The program was hugely informative and detailed how many items which we assume are modern were actually first invented by the ancients and vice versa.

It offered something which many of us are lacking these days, which is perspective. Everything that can be done has been done before and if we believe it is a moral absolute, you can be sure that the opposite was once true.

Moral standards are largely a question of fashion. Though some of us would like to believe in moral absolutes, the fact is, morality is just as subjective as your favorite salad dressing.

We could be absolutely certain that our modern, moral view is THE right one. The only possible one, distilled through centuries of trial and error until finally we have gotten it right. We would, of course, be totally incorrect.

Not that I am in favor of anarchy. “Mad Max” was a great movie, but I wouldn’t want to live it. A social contract is useful to keep everybody from getting their asses kicked on a regular basis and allow culture to develop. This much is irrefutable.

But morality is not a broad stroke. It is a fine point which changes like language, our love for wooden shoes, the feasibility of lip-plates and the need for face-painting.

One century you’re burning witches at the stake and the next you’re basing your tourist trade on them.

For millennia, it would have been unthinkable to not have slavery to bolster the economy and now slavery is universally condemned, in spite of a Republican-controlled Congress.

Every time I see a preacher on this campus and read the letters by well-meaning Christians telling us how we shouldn’t laugh at these guys because they are doing the Lord’s work, I must admit, I get little pissed at their unctuousness.

If any other religious group did as much soliciting as the Christians, I am positive we would hear peels of ridiculing laughter as corn-fed midwesterners got their jollies watching Buddhists, Zoroastrians or Rastafarians try to force their particular views of morality on a student body unwilling to be swayed by “alien” points of view.

Preachers love to congregate on university campuses for several reasons.

They are just dead certain that we are all getting laid more than any other section of society and they are not about to stand for that. We all know sex is wicked … when it’s done right.

They also see a great opportunity to hit on the international crowd who — being far from home — are statistically more likely to be vulnerable and looking for some kind of community to ease their sense of isolation.

I find this aspect of campus crusading to be the most insidious. It’s bad enough when I get the inevitable cold call from the Jehovah’s Witness crowd trying to win me over (I can take care of myself due to years of experience), but picking up converts when they are at their most vulnerable seems pretty weak for a major religion.

How many contributors do they really need, anyway?

Is it really inconceivable for them to leave a few people alone just in case they MIGHT be off the mark?

I would like still like to be able to take a comparative religions course one day. If that is asking too much, I would like to be able to have lunch without being called a whore-monger. I will monger who I want, when I want, Mister.

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Greg Jerrett is a graduate student in English from Council Bluffs. He is opinion editor of the Daily.