The United States government can learn a lot of lessons from U.S. corporations in the matter of mergers and acquisitions. They should learn that subtle imperialism doesn’t work any longer. Economic mastery and acquisition are the new rules of the game.

The recent string of M&A’s, including the latest of AT&T with TCI, have been showing how there is a level above monopoly that a corporation can go. And as the saying goes (don’t ask me where the saying came from), “Where a corporation can go, the government can too.”

That’s why the U.S., with its (unstated) political agenda of taking over controls of practically every country that either cannot resist such attempts by the U.S. or arouses the suspicion of the CIA, could do with collaborations/mergers/acquisitions, especially with some corporations that I list here. What I have here is by no means an exhaustive list, nor are the advantages associated limited to the ones I state here. Let’s take a closer look.

1. U.S. Government — McDonald’s Merger: With this merger, the U.S. can officially weaken any other country by infiltrating beanie babies to make people go soft in the head, and fries and McWings to make people fat and slow to react to such infiltration. Did somebody say … something?

2. U.S. Government — New York Times: Ever heard of the term propaganda? There just isn’t a better way to do it than through a reputed (?!) institution (?!) like the New York Times. The advantages: For one, people can get their daily dose of the U.S. straight from the horse’s mouth (and only from the horse’s viewpoint, but who cares?). Secondly, the masses can’t understand such propaganda to protest against it. (Three cheers for the free press!)

3. U.S. Government — National Enquirer: The best way to reach out to the masses is to keep them engaged and entangled with Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones and the likes of Pamela Anderson (and her honeymoon videos). Now, this will be a terrific strategy for weakening resistance. After all, while other people might imbibe the Great American Obsession passionately, they don’t have the energy, unlike the sturdy people of America, to engaged in other acts. (Here, I will not specify what kind of acts.)

4. U.S. Government — HBO: This can be yet another effective channel to spread the message of the joys of togetherness. After all, it’s not TV. It’s the U.S.

In the interests of mutual development also this merger scores. Because? If more people wanted to watch HBO, that means they would have to get TCI and therefore AT&T also into their homes. Now, isn’t that good for their business and for good old capitalism?

5. U.S. Government — General Motors: The automobile industry has always been the epitome and showcase of the other American trademark, that of over-consumption. A merger with a leader in this industry would do the U.S. Government a world of good. GM would also be a good choice to merge with/acquire because of the atmosphere of unrest and strikes prevalent there right now. This experience will be very similar to the ones the U.S. can expect to face in the countries it wants control over.

6. U.S. Government — PepsiCo: The unknown “X” factor can always be dangerous to any situation. A drink for Generation neXt is just what the doctor ordered to help quell any rebellions among youth.

6. a. U.S. Government — Miller: Make sure the people in other countries don’t have time to do anything else (like, resisting the U.S.). Tune them in to Miller time, all the time. This strategy can be especially effective for adults.

7. U.S. Government — Wal-Mart — Visa: This three-way merger can arm the government with yet another tool to weaken a nation’s economy. There probably is no smarter way to induce over-consumption while making the consumer think he’s getting the best deal in the world. And when a consumer who finds it hard to find the money to consume starts over-consuming, guess what happens to the economy of that country?

And finally, a merger which I strongly suspect already exists. And if it doesn’t, then I strongly recommend that the government take steps to finalize the merger immediately.

8. U.S. Government — School of America, Georgia:

First, a small backgrounder — this school is purported to produce exceptional graduates numbering about 1800 each year, who emerge as trained terrorists with access to and information about some advanced weaponry that can easily decimate people who might resist your moves.

While this strategy seems like a fallback on the political or military ways of our government, I’m sure with the expertise gained from other capitalistic experiences, the School of America can be turned into a profitable venture. And when I say profitable, I mean profits in the range of a country or two being acquired.

And finally:

9. U.S. Government —Microsoft: If all else fails, the government will always have the option of calling upon Microsoft to restart/shut down/cancel a nation.

But the natural course of time and Windows’98 will make sure that the nation crashes at some point of time.

---

Narayan Devanathan is a graduate student in journalism and mass communication from Hyderbad, India.