Obviously these strategies won’t work if you’ve been dumb enough to choose a tough course like statistics.

Hey…you must know that any level of statistics is designed to be incomprehensible to the average person who is dumb enough to take it. And I have the statistics to prove that.

Of course, these statistics were made up, like any other statistics you might come across, or, if you learn so much, use yourself.

Also, since much of the summer is past, and you’re probably close to finishing summer school (or getting finished yourself), these strategies are meant more as weapons for the future.

This presupposes that you will survive school this summer by yourself and pull through to another summer of school. “Then,” you may ask, “if I survive by myself, why should I listen to your so-called survival strategies?”

Well, you see, besides being a non-statistician, I’ve learned some things out here. For one thing, I’ve learned that if there is an easier way to do things, it’s good to learn that. And that’s very much in line with my main motto in life: “There’s no excuse for laziness. But I’m working on it.”

More often than not, I’ve seen this as another characteristic of being American. And I think these summer survival strategies will be handy, especially to us students at ISU when there are more important things to look into: like our love/lust lives, waterhole visits, sleep, food, TV, the movies, and other things (than school) that add up to a freakin’ good life.

So here goes.

1. Books and the first day of class: Both UBS and Campus Book Store have at least a returnable-in-24 hours kinda deal on books.

So the thing to do is to try and buy the required books for the first day of class so as to appear keen and prepared.

After the first day, the professor is usually not bothered about whether you get the books to class everyday or not. So you can return the books to the store and use that money to waste, I mean, spend on better things in life. I mean, what are books and studying going to get you anyway? Money?

Hey, you already got that by returning the books. Besides, at least ’til you are in school, what are parents for? And what are loans for? So keep the books where they look good: in the bookstores.

2. Preparing for class, projects, assignments, etc: I hope you are wise enough not to study for class ever.

The professors don’t expect it of you at all. And you just might shock them if they find out you actually wasted time studying for class and know what they are talking about.

Now, that’s a double shock. What if you ask intelligent questions that they can’t answer?

Be kind and respectful to your professors. Don’t study for class.

As for projects and assignments, there are sure to be suckers (they go around with a permanent “studied-overnight again” glassy look) that you can either borrow notes from or cajole into doing your project/assignment for you.

So remember to make your friends in need.

3. Attending class: Go late to class by all means.

If you are late because of a submission due at the beginning of class, submit it as soon as you enter, assuming you have it ready.

At the least, carry it so that it’s prominently visible to Him or Her. Before that, carry and flash a dazzling smile at your Prof.

Next, ask questions the minute you sit down, irrespective of whether you know what’s being discussed or not. (This even at the cost of raising a few laughs, at yourself maybe.)

Note that when you ask questions, it does not mean you have to listen to the answers.

You can then start and keep up a discussion (the topic is irrelevant) to demonstrate how keen and prepared you are for the class. Whether you really are or not is irrelevant).

By this time, you’re probably into quite a distance in the class period, so you can do what your eyes have been telling you to do from the time you came into class: sleep.

This is a crucial juncture in the class period because, if instead of going to sleep now, you continue to ask (irrelevant) questions and prolong discussions, you might be inviting the ire of other people in the class who are trying to sleep.

Unfortunately, class attendance counts for your grade. Otherwise you could have slept at home. However, since attendance does not mean you have to be attentive in class, the way to get around this is easy.

Have a freaking night, every night before class. And come and sleep in class. (To ensure you get proper sleep, in class I mean, sign up for classes in the afternoon. That way, a heavy lunch just before class will guarantee your siesta.)

4. Course critique: Now, since you’ve probably successfully slept through your class(es), you won’t know enough to critique either the course or the professor. But don’t worry.

Here you can take recourse to statistics again. Statistics show that most professors get a rating somewhere between 3.5 and 4.5 out of a possible maximum of 5, unless they have been particularly vehement against students sleeping in class. So you simply mark “satisfactory” or better on every point in the critique sheet.

And in case you want to make some intelligent comments, here are some suggestions:

(a) The room was too hot/too cold. The air-conditioning needs to be fixed.

(b) The fourth light bulb from the east entrance of the room in the third row was not working.

(c) The professor didn’t have a remote control for the VCR in class.

5. Exams: See strategy (2).

After obtaining help from said sucker(s), make your exam look like the ISU brochure/prospectus that’s sent out to prospective students.

If you have a take-home test, take it to CopyWorks and ask them to do “the works” to beautify it.

If at the end of the course, you get a D minus for having followed all of my strategies, you can be sure you won’t find me anywhere. Which brings me to the last strategy: Don’t ever, ever make your strategies public. If they don’t work, you might have a lot of people out to break your neck.

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Narayan Devanathan is a graduate student in journalism and mass communication from Hyderbad, India.