Well, for once those fat cats in Washington have gotten off their butts long enough to get something done in this country. I can’t tell you how tired I am of all these dirty hippies and communists running around desecrating my flag with their foul political opinions and offensive rhetoric. It’s getting so that a REAL American can’t drive to work without having to take detours around the enormous bonfires of perfectly good flags used as kindling for Un-American activities. I have absolutely no clue what an amendment to the Constitution is. For that matter, I am not really too sure what the Constitution is all about, either. But if amending it means putting people in jail for saying something I don’t like, then you can sure as shootin’ bet that I am going to sit around feeling like the smuggest troglodyte in the cave!

I have never had to fight in any wars, personally. But if I had, believe me, it would NOT have been so that shiftless layabouts and civil libertarians could run around torching the Stars and Stripes for Uncle Mao. Flag desecration is just like spitting on our dead war veterans, isn’t it? It is just like they went to Arlington with a backhoe, an exhumation order and a big old bag of Levi Garrett and started digging up the fallen for the purpose of using their bones for spittoons. Yep … it’s just like that … exactly.

The United States of America is better than any other country on the face of the planet and as such we have the right to commit all of the acts of barbarism upon our citizenry that we so freely denounce in other countries. It is just fine with me that other countries in the world that want to put their own citizens in jail for flag-desecration are the same countries that we routinely denounce as backwards or start wars with. I bet the Soviets had laws banning the physical desecration of their flag.

It’s okay that a greater percentage of our population is in prison than any other country in the world because we are a nation of unparalleled freedom. There is no freer nation on the face of the earth! The only possible exceptions being Canada and Australia. It is a logical impossibility that any act we commit which contradicts our stated beliefs is actually wrong. I think that somewhere along the way we started confusing the huge selections and low, everyday prices at the grocery store with real freedom. This country needs to stop running on a strict regimen of sublimation and denial. The price of freedom is constant vigilance, remember that one? Right now, the very basis of what our flag stands for is being desecrated by evil, little men who are selfishly trying to prop themselves up on a hot political topic of their own creation. Who is this amendment in response to? There aren’t even any protests going on, let alone flag burnings. This proposition is more destructive to our nation’s primary icon than a tanker full of gasoline and a field trip of sixth graders with sparklers in a warehouse full of flags.

Once you start seeing freedom as a done deal, requiring no further effort, you might as well chuck it sooner than later. Lady Liberty is a high-maintenance date. Who needs freedom when you have this many channels to choose from. Line up and give me my soma now, dammit! You know who will be the first people suckered by this move? The same thick brow ridges who complain constantly about politicians they can’t name, yet still somehow manage to never vote once in their entire lives. They are going to be really impressed by this one; it lacks all hints of subtlety. They represent the majority of Americans who favor this proposal for no good reason.

Well, when times are tough you can always depend on your representatives in Congress to find some bogus political issue to flash in our faces like they were shining deer. And why not, who is going to stop them, us? The American public? That’s a good one. How can we be expected to care about our vanishing freedoms when “Tool Time” is on?

I haven’t even seen a flag burned on television since the Gulf War when all this started the first time. I will lay odds most people have never seen a flag burned. If anything is guaranteed to start the biggest flag burning marathon this country has ever seen, it will be laws telling us we can’t do it. I have never in my entire life considered burning the flag as part of any kind of political protest. I think it is the political equivalent to farting in an elevator. It’s essentially meaningless, counterproductive and futile. It’s like trying to get your mothers attention by kicking her in the punani.

The masterminds behind this scheme are looking to start a fight. Like some pathetic, high school loner who likes to get beat up by jocks so he can convince his teachers that he is being picked on. Right now, conservatives are looking to do whatever they can to cause a serious shitstorm. They want to be able to go into the next election with a big win under their belts because they haven’t got anyone to run against Gore. They would rather see this country take 20 steps back than one step forward on the bridge into the 21st century. And as far as desecration goes, every fast food restaurant with a flag flying 24 hours a day in adverse weather conditions is just as guilty of desecration as anyone who burned one for political reasons. This issue isn’t about desecration — it is about political speech.

Rest assured when this amendment goes into effect, I will personally highlight those pages of my boy scout manual which covered the flag and turn in every single person who leaves that baby out all night, in the rain, or as part of their corporate logo. J. Edgar Hoover in a thong wouldn’t have been able to move faster to squelch offensive behavior. Let’s clog the system with the names of everyone who has ever failed to properly display their flag. That will crush this thing faster than a peanut at a Weight Watchers meeting.

The only positive thing to come out of this entire issue will be that all Americans will get to see what a huge stud horse Tom Harkin is for standing up to this “asinine” proposal, loudly and publicly, with no concern for political fallout. He is a true professional and a great Iowan.

Greg Jerrett is a graduate student in English from Council Bluffs.