In spite of all the smoke signals that prove the advantages of a tobacco-ed society we see everyday, I felt I must write about the undeniable plus points of tobacco, cigarettes and smoking in general.

America, we have been saved! Saved within an inch of the cancer in our lungs from being subjected to the most irresponsible legislature of all times!! I am, of course, talking of the nefarious McCain Tobacco Bill put forth by unscrupulous politicians who did not have the economic good of the country at heart.

The same bill that was recently defeated by the tireless efforts of the noble tobacco companies of America and their supporters who will see that nobody is denied the basic American Right to Smoke (and the additional Right to Cause Discomfort to Non-Smokers.)

I mean, imagine the cheek of these politicians to meddle with such fundamental rights of the citizens of the world’s greatest democracy. (Did I hear somebody say this is a capitalist state, not a democracy?)

They (the politicians, not the capitalists) would stop us from aiming to be Marlboro men and women.

They don’t know that we’ve come a long way, baby! They would even preempt us from worshipping that demi-god amongst us mere mortals : Joe Camel.

Why don’t they realize that our sentiments are the ones that Winston cigarettes postulates so nicely : We want a good smoke, we don’t want no bull. (Okay, okay, those may not be the exact words.) America, we owe one to these noble tobacco companies.

Now, you may ask, by what standards are these companies noble?

Well … gee … hey … just look at all they are doing for the country.

Look at the facts: They support a multi-billion dollar industry that makes the American economy run smoothly, even if it chokes us up occasionally.

Plus, the tobacco lobby supports numerous other facets of the great American machinery.

I mean, if it wasn’t for them, how would hospitals have so much revenue (from lung cancer patients)? Who would be able to replace the tobacconists as money-spinners for the health insurance companies? What about all the pharmaceutical companies supplying to these “lung” hospitals? Why, they are like the air supply (cough! cough!!) to these industries!

And if you want a truly noble cause that the tobacco industry has enabled, think of the American Cancer Society. I mean, the Society was born as a direct consequence of the stellar contribution of cigarettes.

Why, even the self-styled second oldest profession in the world — advertising — owes much of its existence to this industry.

It’s also a perfect example of good co-existing with evil. (I’m not saying which is which.) On one hand, we have advertisers persuading us about the clear (!!) superiority of one cigarette over another. On the other hand, we have the creators of these same ads pleading with us to not end up coffin’.

All said and done, look at the amount of gainful employment that the tobacco industry provides.

In agriculture, marketing, advertising, distribution, hospitals, pharmaceuticals, insurance, modeling, photography and even to anti-tobacco lobbies.

And if you think all that is not reason enough to call them noble, I have more reasons coming up.

Not only does the tobacco industry bring the nation a lot of its revenue from exports, but it is also enabling the bigger, nobler cause of providing valuable foreign exchange earnings to other countries like Cuba from where it is importing tobacco while infiltrating … I mean … exporting such irreplaceables like terrorists, the CIA and other such entities into that country.

Within the U.S. itself, whole new industries like those manufacturing “quit smoking” aids, like gum and the “patch,” have been invented in the first place because smoking exists. What would they do if not for cigarettes?

On the cultural front, apart from giving us such legendary icons as Joe Camel and the Marlboro Man to look up to, cigarettes have always been the symbol for teenagers to showcase their rebellious attitudes to the “not-with-it” oldies generations.

Last, and probably the most significant, is the favor that the tobacco industry is doing to the entire planet in this day and age of overpopulation. It is increasing the death rate in the face of stiff competition from life-saving and life-extending medical discoveries. It is helping Mother Nature conserve that delicate ecological balance that completes the circle of life and death.

So once again, everybody, join me in cheering the tobacco industry.

Long live (cough! cough!!) tobacco!!

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Narayan Devanathan is a graduate student in journalism and mass communication from Hyderbad, India.