I told them I didn’t want my picture splashed with this article, but they said, “Nobody will bother to read this anyway, let alone say anything to your face about it. So just let the picture be.”

I want to add that in spite of their reassurances, I would like to request the following to be my epitaph, in case you find me and bury me when I’m dead: “He used to be.”

Okay. How did I MANage to get into this messy argument?

You see, I was reading this MANuscript the other day about the responsibilities handed down to huMANs by You-Know-Who, and it felt like the MANtle of the earth’s caretaker was to be donned by us men.

I don’t know if this is because we’re supposed to be tougher MENtally or that it’s just the MANner in which we men go about doing things so effectively all the time.

I mean, just look at that.

Have you ever heard of somebody having a lot of WOMENtal strength?

Or even heard something like, “Doesn’t that person have awful WOMANners?”

(I hear a lot of people saying yes to that “awful” part. But … that’s not the keyword here.)

There are MANy (Man!!!!) reasons, even too MANy reasons for this, but no WOMANy reasons at all.

And let me assure you that I’m not MANufacturing any of this. (I’m saying this not just because I can’t WOMANufacture anything.)

Okay.

Let me list out a few things that go to show that I’m no MCP, but that anybody can see this clearly is a MAN’s world.

Here’s a modern-day example:

Just outside New York City, there was this island with a lot of … umm … beings wearing hats in all seasons, all the time.

There were tall beings, short beings, medium-sized beings, midgets, Martians, mayors, even people, but all, as I say, wearing hats.

So it was that when they started building all those skyscrapers on this island, the architect saw this MAN without a hat and asked his assistant, “Has that man a hat on?”

And then, he repeated that a few thousand times to himself and said, “Hey!! That’s a groovy name for this joint. MAN-hattan!!” (They didn’t used to think of naming rock bands in those days.)

Now, tell me pray, do you think it was coincidence that the architect saw a MAN and not a WOMAN without a hat?

No, no!! It was pre-ordained, destined, fated to be called after MAN.

Besides, WOMANhattan would sound pretty stupid as a name, even for a rock band, let alone an island.

I hope you see the MANifold MANifestations of this simple example.

I’m not saying that us male types are MANna from heaven to the rest of God’s creatures, but His MANifesto seems to indicate that if anything monuMENtal is in store for the earth, you can be sure there’s a MAN lurking in the bushes, pulling the strings.

Now, in case some people think I’m taking this MAN thing too far and am just MANipulating words to suit my purpose, let me show you some examples of typically WOMAN things which exhibit an overwhelming MAN influence on their origin:

— That age-old female equivalent of the male activity of thumb-twiddling — filing of nails — is technically called … you got it! … MANicure.

— The inequitable distribution of exposure to violence shows that a person can only be MANhandled, even if a WOMAN does it.

— That crowning glory, that magnificent top, that mop of hair which is all-important to the female genre is not known as the MANe event for nothing.

— Finally, that very feminine phenoMENon in a woman’s lifecycle when she is no longer “as sexually active as she used to be” is unflatteringly called MENopause.

In all fairness, though, I have to admit it’s a MAN’s world because of some not-so-happy-things about men too.

Take, for example, the case of fertilizers that used to be originally produced from natural sources. Why was it called MANure, and not WOMANure?

Now if you think that sounds crappy, how do you explain this closely-related-to-huMANs-monkey called the Mandrill? (I strongly suspect it was descended from somebody in the Marines, undergoing retrogressive metamorphosis in the evolutionary calendar, while doing the daily drill.)

Perhaps that also explains how lunacy used to be a trait only among males and how it is that you don’t ever find any WOMANiacs.

Also, in the age of cannibals, they only used to serve MEN at the restaurants.

This ancient tradition is still visible in the MENus you find in today’s eating places.

This affinity for males is to be found in the animal kingdom too.

Take, for instance, the big cats in the jungles of India and Africa. There were always MAN-eaters among them, but never any WOMAN-eaters. (Now, does that say anything about the cats’ wisdom or about the unpalatability of women?)

Just one last word.

If somebody is inspired by all this to write a new MANual for MANkind, I’d be terribly kicked.

Now, before somebody else labels me a MENace, becomes MALEvolent towards me and launches a MANhunt for my hide, let me be on my way. (I’m heading for MALE, the capital city of Maldives, in case you want to know.)

And if somebody else thinks all that I’ve said is the MANtra to live by and wants to thank me for it, please don’t MENtion it.

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Narayan Devanathan is a graduate student in journalism and mass communication from Hyderbad, India.