Some people mock John Gray as a self-help “guru” for his relationship books. Title choices like “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” don’t help his legitimacy much either. But no America that I am familiar with would put a book called “Gender-Based Socio-Linguistic Differentiation” on the bestseller list, so I can’t fault him for watching his pocket there.

He may be considered crap by established academicians (they never like anyone who outsells them), but I think it is always educational to talk about why men and women are on different wavelengths.

With that said, here is an aspect of male/female communication I have never understood, so I thought I would make fun of it. Ready?

You know how when you’re having sex and everything is cool, then no sooner than you achieve orgasm, your girlfriend/wife/special someone/escort/bargirl starts quizzing you like Laurence Olivier in Marathon Man, “What are you thinking about? Tell me what you’re thinking, right now!”

Like that little facial contortion you made near the end meant you were getting a call from God, and she just has to know if He was talking about her.

My friend Lloyd’s wife, Lula, said she likes to know that a man is thinking about her and not just sex. I think that if there is a distinction without a difference, this is it.

If there is one time during the day it should be okay to be thinking about sex, don’t you think it is right after having it? Maybe I am just a sexist dinosaur but give us this one, okay ladies?

And why is it called “achieving an orgasm,” anyway?

Anything you can do while sleeping isn’t really that much of an achievement, is it? Be honest!

But I wonder what women want us to say?

Are we supposed to start spouting off quatrains in iambic? How about lines from Moby Dick or Batman Forever? Riddle me this, baby!

Here are some suggestions for the men:

Wouldn’t it be fun to tape this? You know, so I can watch our love when you aren’t here. You want to order pizza after this? What do you think Xena was about tonight, anyway? If I were invisible, that would be cool! I bet monkeys wish THEY could talk after sex — Do we have any bananas? If we were on the Titanic, I would steal the dress off of some old lady just so we could be together … forever. I knew I shouldn’t have had that big lunch so late in the day. Being with you is better than wrestling, and I LOVE wrestling! Well, THAT’S never happened before! I’m king of the world!

What I really want to know is what women would say if we asked them what they were thinking about, and they had to be honest. Maybe they would respond with some statements like these:

Is that it? I’m chafing like a bear. I wonder what Antonio Banderas is doing right now? Sometimes in the bathroom I’m afraid that a hand is going to reach up and grab me. I bet monkeys take longer — Do we have any bananas? If you looked like Leonardo DiCaprio, I’d give you MY dress! After that, you’d BETTER want to cuddle! That was like being abducted by aliens, but only during the good parts. I will never drink that much again! You look so profound during sex … I must know what you’re thinking!

Greg Jerrett is a graduate student in English from Council Bluffs.