Bonjour, friendly folks, and welcome to the (sniff) last installment of the Brown Bag Review.

Throughout my reign as the queen of culinary, I’ve eaten some great food (anything barbecued), and some not-so-great food (anything low in fat, sodium or sugar).

But, all in all, I’ve had a very fun time eating at so many places in Ames. I honestly have no room to complain; I mean, once a week the Daily would pay for me to go out and enjoy a good meal. But, unfortunately, just like O.J. Simpson’s social life, those days are over.

In honor of all the starving students and unemployed graduates of ISU, I’ve decided to write about free food. If you’re feeling a little strapped for cash, I urge you to milk free food opportunities for all they’re worth. The opportunities are everywhere, if you just look for them.

Let’s start with the obvious — sample day at the grocery stores. I fed my hunger pains at Hy-Vee last Saturday afternoon with samples of sausage pizza, strawberries and chocolate sauce, English muffins and strawberry jam with a cup of freshly squeezed orange juice to top it off.

If you’re still hungry after one grocery store, venture over to the other stores in town. Don’t forget to hit Sam’s Club on your way back home. I guarantee you won’t be sorry.

There are plenty of opportunities (besides sneaking into food service) for free food on campus. For example, last week the Student Alumni Association celebrated Senior Week with an ice cream social and a very well-supplied picnic on central campus.

Sneak into any dorm den tonight or tomorrow from 10 to 10:30 p.m. for a “hell half-hour” snack. Back in the day, when I was social chair of my floor, we provided fruit, veggies, ice cream and beverages to keep our energy and spirits alive.

Stick around campus during the start of each semester and you will be bombarded with posters, flyers and e-mails advertising clubs and informational meetings. Nine times out of 10 the first meeting will offer pizza or subs as a recruitment incentive. If you catch them all, you won’t have to eat for a month.

If you want to take advantage of free food and be waited on, I suggest going to any Mexican restaurant in town.

After being seated, start eating all the complimentary chips and salsa you can before you are asked for your order.

At this point, I would suggest ordering a Cherry Coke or something, but if you’re really cheap (and more power to you folks), just ask for a glass of water.

Don’t forget the obligatory free cookies and juice you can get for donating blood. If you sign up for a department store credit card, chances are you’ll receive a free one-pound bag of M&M’s or other candy.

Hold on to all of your Subway stamps and Dairy Queen punch cards ’til you have enough to cash them in for food. Another good suggestion is to ask a friend to get something to eat with you. After he or she orders, whip out a “Buy 1 Get 1 Free” coupon and order the same thing. (Note: I’d only try this one with really good friends.)

I bet you can find a wedding reception to crash every Saturday this summer. Now, all you have to do is stay away from anyone who looks important.

If you get cornered, glance at the embossed napkins and say something like, “Gosh, I haven’t seen (insert bride or groom’s name here) in ages!”

Well, it’s no secret that I’m very emotional; it’s a good thing I have this bag on my head or you’d see my mascara running right now. Thanks for reading and think of me every time you go out to eat.

Au revoir, friendly folks.

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Kim Zangger is a senior in advertising from Mt. Vernon.