One day last summer, a friend of mine shared with me her secret to getting through weddings. She said that she stays alert by attempting to pinpoint the exact moment that she would run out of the church screaming if she were the bride.

I remember her comment now because summer is approaching, love is in the air, and I’m betting most of you know at least one person who is getting married in the near future. Some of you may have even popped the question over Veishea weekend. This year, you don’t even have your drunken state to blame, right? Right.

Fans of the sitcom “Friends” know that Ross is getting married soon. In last week’s episode, Monica, Phoebe and Rachel donned wedding dresses and dreamed of walking down the isle. It was a harmless little episode, to be sure. I want to let you know, however, that some of us are on the opposite side of the coin. Not all women have their dream wedding planned at the age of 12, or even 20, and not all women trample their friends and relatives to catch the bouquet.

I’m not against marriage, necessarily. I just don’t like weddings. I don’t like the ceremony, and I don’t even like the reception. To be quite honest, I think I’m missing the W gene. Darn. For those of you who do dream of marriage, don’t worry; I’m not trying to tell you how to plan the whole shebang. I don’t even look forward to planning my own wedding, should I ever take the dive. (I’m not a very good swimmer.) You might want to keep my comments in the back of your head, however, especially when considering your selection of the wedding party.

I already told my best friends that if they have weddings someday and feel that I should be a participant, that I need to be in a situation where I can wear pants. Even if my bestest friend in the world begged me to be a bridesmaid, I would not walk down the aisle wearing a stupid grin and one of those horrendous dresses. After all, everyone knows that the whole purpose of those dresses is to make the bride look good.

Now, don’t deny it. Why else do bridesmaids exist? I don’t buy the myth about wanting your friends standing up with you on your special day. Have them sit in the front row if you need their presence so badly. I’m sure the bride will be glowing so brightly that she won’t need accessory people.

I feel that a wedding is for the bride and groom, not their friends and family. I don’t think the chosen couple should have to suffer to get married. They will endure enough in the many years after the wedding. Therefore, they should not have to make party favors for months in advance, entertain everyone at the reception or spend more time than necessary in very uncomfortable clothes.

I also hate pre-wedding announcements and post-wedding reports that appear in local newspapers with a passion. Doesn’t it seem to you that the bride and groom are bragging? Interested persons will receive an invitation, and they will attend the wedding. I know it’s traditional, but we do not need press releases for weddings.

One more thing: what is the deal with pre-wedding pictures? I thought the groom wasn’t supposed to see the bride in her dress before the wedding. Then I found out that by the time I arrive, they have already kissed each other in full wedding attire (with the rings on, no less) for the pictures. How un-authentic is that practice? I, for one, feel cheated every time.

Don’t get me wrong, the one wedding I attended in the past year was lovely — at least that was the sentiment expressed by the other guests. Just remember to choose your wedding party carefully, or at least make pants an option. And, if I don’t make an appearance at your wedding this summer, it’s not because I don’t like you. I have decided I like you too much to see you (or your girlfriend) walk down the isle with a bow on your butt.

Catherine Conover is a senior in liberal studies from Mapleton.